I love reading Yin and this series was no exception. It got me thinking about being a client and my relationship to it these days. She wrote, "Client is the word that makes them squirm." I have to admit she's right. It kinda makes me squirm despite twenty five years of being one. It makes me squirm even though the best sex I've ever had has been as the client of prodommes and one of the best friends I have in the world used to be my prodomme. It made me less squirmy to read Yin's description of her clients in her diverse practice. She said her entourage was populated by the likes of a;
"classical musician, political journalist, world-renowned chef, social studies teacher, opera singer, fireman, ballet dancer, computer geek, government consultant, NASA engineer, university publisher, pro-skateboarder, hip-hop star, bartender, movie celebrity, and yes, the stock broker, lawyer, doctor, and financial dictator. Did I mention the French circus clown?"She went on to say that she liked her clients, loved some like family and had even dated a few. She had both compartmentalized clients and lifestyle clients in her retinue and she had even been a client herself. She said she urged her young supplicants to find partners in their intimate relationships who wanted to explore bdsm. She just really made being her client sound like a perfect thing - - and I'm certain it is
The whole read left me wondering just what it is about client status that I have such a problem with these days. I don't mean that I ever think that being a client is a bad thing. It's great. It just doesn't feel right for me. I'm left feeling like someone who just quit drinking. When I first quit drinking it was just supremely hard to be around anyone who drank. I bent over backwards to avoid being at the most benign cocktail party. Now, I really have no problem and it rarely registers that people around me are drinking.
With kink, I feel a little like I'm bending over backwards to prove to myself people will like me for me. Whether it's a friendly coffee, lunch, dinner, or wild bdsm sex - - I want to make sure that my connection with the kinky people I meet is a personal one and not one influenced by commerce. In addition, the act of play has become so intimate, emotional, and romantic for me that I have a very hard time imagining sessioning or negotiating a business deal with a domme - something I used to do alot. I fear my emotional needs would infect the business deal in a very negative fashion.
I don't feel I've been exploited, led-on, used, or abused by commercial bdsm in any way. While my "born-again-kink-virginity" does leave me wondering how the hell I'll ever really get my freak on again, it does seem real and right for now. I don't feel conflicted or ambivalent at all. Sometimes, when I'm dealing with a new situation or oppurtunity, I need some time to process. But ultimately my draw to the "lifestyle" seems strong and true
Yin closes her piece entitled "The 'Dirty' Client" by saying, "When someone comes to me and wants to submit their vulnerability to me, I do not take that submission lightly. To me, “client” isn’t such a dirty word."
It's just not the right word for me these days.
Maybe I'm just a slave to love? Soooo 80's.