Sometimes It's Getting Too Dark To See

Icy cold dawn's early run, the gym, and coffee. Maybe she'll need me to get her to the bathroom before the gym, after, just out of the shower, a minute after I pull my underwear on. Mornings are bad for her. She can hardly move. I sit her up as best I can, leveraging my body so the legs take the brunt of the lifting. On her feet she'll falter and I'll hug her and massage her lower back and hips where all the weight and pressure are because of her dead and dying muscles. She still forces herself to walk with her red metal four wheeled stand up helper. I brace her arm with my hand. She stutter steps to the edge of the bathroom and parks the walker. I pull up the commode toilet seat that is way too small for a normal person to enthrone upon. She wobble gaits until she's in front and I reach around, pull down her underwear and lower her onto the seat. I hand her toilet paper. Soon I'll be doing the wiping.

And that's the first ten minutes of her morning. I get her back to bed, test her blood sugar as she's also cursed with Type 1 diabetes since she was a little girl. I fetch coffee, her iPad, her breakfast, her phones. Sometimes I give her a shower. All before I leave for my crazy day. Little by little, day by day, there is no improvement. Only destruction. So gradual, but the sign posts are unmistakeable. She's going slowly and torturously.

But her courage and humor profoundly inspire. Her newfound acceptance of me is stunning. We lunched with Aarkey and Crimson in Florida. Those two had never met and Crimson had never met my wife. She and Crimson chatted away about burlesque. My wife liked them both. Sushi in South Florida where I had set up a second life to be single in and here I was, falling in love with my wife all over again. Crimson texted me later that she saw why I fell for my wife - because she's awesome.

And though it's sometimes too dark to see, our renewed connection will see us through to the entrance of that door.

Fast Away

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I've always hated the holiday. Nothing like enforced merriment. But the week between Christmas and New Year's is a whole other thing. This year I was struggling with bad bronchitis, but usually the week bursts with erotic portent. The deliciously possible year end fling is ever elusive, but for that one week its promise dangles like ripened fruit pleading for plucking before it drops to the ground; bruised, bashed, and broken.

It was a year. Another year. For the first time since the recession began my work profits were respectable. I left life as a kinky single man about town and committed to care giving for my dying wife. While my personal life has become something of a shrunken and muted fugue, I find the experience of helping my wife to be sustaining and profound.

I asked her the other day why she thought I was so good at it and without missing a beat she said it was because I was "into S&M". She thought I was erotically driven to serve and help for her has tapped into that motivation. It is so ironic that what drove us to separate has provided the glue to our current relationship. It's so not sexy, but I get a deep satsfaction from my efforts.

So with my personal work star on the rise, her life is in a continuous downward spiral. Two opposite arcs with no chance of a future meeting. I sometimes have fleeting glimpses of future fantasy. But for now I look forward in a most bittersweet way to the coming of a new year and my continued life in the moment.

Date Site D/s

In these days of work and giving care I have little time for kink, dating, or even time to daydream and fantasize about meeting Mistress Right. Life feels like one massive to do list that I'm always falling far, far behind on. But somehow I manage to stumble on and get things accomplished.

But I still have my on-line dating profile up. I've actually updated it to let visitors know I'm taking care of my wife. I've also actually come out and said outright that I'm a kinky, submissive guy looking for the perfect dommy girl next door. Not that I'm going to get any takers, but I check from time to time and do searches for fun.

And so it was that I went on the site a couple of weeks ago and did a search for the personality trait of kinkiness. The site has loads of questions to answer and it catagorizes responses to come up with a personality profile. It rates characteristics like aggressiveness, coolness, wealth, physical activity, and conventional morality as against a norm of other site users. The profile is displayed as a bar graph ranking you as either more or less pronounced than the average. Among the character traits is kinkiness. Their kinky sex questions are general but not too bad. Some of the questions are ridiculous but what do you expect.

Anyway I did my search and started looking at the results. The "Girlfriend Store" spit back many usual suspects who I'd checked out many times before. Then, there was Mistress Alex! And we were a 99% match! I've only met her once at a kinky literary soiree evening at Glint and liked her very much. Who am I kidding? I thought she was incredibly hot, smart, and sexy. I loved it that she actually came up to me and said she liked my writing. I'll do anything for anyone who likes my writing!

I immediately looked at how we matched on the sex questions as the site allows that sort of filter. After so many disappointing "fits" our answers to kinky sex questions matched almost perfectly.

"Would you like to have your partner strap on a dildo and put it inside you"

She No - Me Yes

"Preferred Position?"

She Top - Me Bottom

"Would you consider a relationship as master or slave?"

She Yes, as master - Me Yes, as slave.

And after so many comparasions that didn't fit it was such a refreshing experience to see a real match. I sent her a nice note saying I liked her profile and hoped she was having fun. She sent a quick thank you. So even though it's not going to be spontaneous combustion I am grateful to Alex for answering a massive number of date site questions to allow me to see how a real match connection with a dominant woman would work.

After I was done with my little comparasion the site offers an Amazon.com like service akin to "if you liked Alex, you'll like these women as well". I checked down the list and there was Mistress Veronica! Maybe we'll take over this date site after all!

Have A Heart

Yesterday I took my wife to the movies. We saw the excellent new Bond, Skyfall. She went in her wheelchair for the first time. It was an adventure, but really quite easy. The chair, with some strategic alteration, could be Bond hardware it's so high-tech. Cost more than my 2009 Subaru Forester. Yes, I know it's a lesbian car and I'm its very proud owner.

Anyway we made it to the theater way more quickly than we would have if she had used her walker. Just last weekend she almost fell in the street as she rolled over an uneven manhole cover. I was able to grab her just in time before she hit concrete. Nothing like being credited with savior status. We took the elevator up to the IMAX and just as we were about to get off the movie attendant who just happened to be there stopped us and said we could go up to the wheelchair access level. We got to be the first ones in the theater.

Great to have a spare chair to pile coats on and sitting in the back row at the huge screen was perfect. When the movie ended we just waited for the crowd to drain and took the elevator to street level and came home.

I wish all of this process was as easy and fun as seeing Daniel Craig Bond about.

Indeed, the whole process shrinks life, both hers and mine. I work and caregive. While I console myself that it is time limited, the limit is the remaining lifetime of someone I love so it feels like the ultimate predicament. I spent the morning looking at profiles on FetLife. I've tried following some posts and commenting there but I find it difficult to make a connection.

Oh well, it's a sunny mild day after Frankenstorm hammered us and then the cold slapped us for good measure. I'll take a walk and dream of better days past and brighter days future.