Cuckolding falls into a category of bdsm play that is both edgy and humiliating. The idea of a gorgeous dominant woman having intimate and very sexual play with another because her primary submissive doesn't measure up gets some guys very hot and bothered ... including me. It is however, a very delicate balance, no? Deep down, I want desperately to please her. I want to succeed. I want to be rewarded. But some of us sing the melody of damaged lemons. Some of us have had real, painful failures in life that we must somehow deal with and overcome. We sexualize them to make them pleasurable. We seek stylized re-enactment. We seek redemption from the ghouls that haunt the closet.
Humiliation in bdsm play can be very unfulfilling. Someone whose blog has been sadly self-quarantined in the wake of the "Big Chill" in New York City wrote very eloquently about how, for her, humiliation fell into two catagories. I know I'm getting this wrong, but she said something to the effect that humiliation play was either "situational" (dress him in frilly pink panties and tarty red lipstick and call him a "girl") or "personal" (you're such a sloppy, fatty). Understandably, neither was acceptable for her.
"Forced crossdressing" as humiliation presented misogynistic, anti-feminist themes and caused her to feel bad. I totally get that and view this sort of shame-on-you play as hamfisted, cookie cutterish and wrong-headed. On the other hand, she'd say, telling an otherwise fit, trim, slender submissive that he is a skinny, scrawny, limp-dicked, excuse for man was just plain demeaning and was similarly unacceptable. So for her, humiliation was not a menu item. In favor of mutual empowerment, she eschewed providing the flavorful, savory taste of artfully baked humble pie. She did however recognize the inherent mortification of a barehanded beatdown or a deviously engineered afternoon of predicament bondage.
For me, sophisticated humiliation play and cuckolding fantasies in particular let me create pleasure from life's deep disappointments. I am at once unworthy of my dominant's bed. But if I endure, I am given a chance at deliverance and salvation. Ultimately I seek release - both literally and euphemistically. By literally I mean ... well ... you know what I mean. Euphemistically, her reward is my redemption.
All this takes a large measure of connection and trust. It takes an on-going relationship and, in my opinion, can't be created on demand two hours from now at the dungeon. But in a way that years of therapy has not, humiliation play and cuckolding fantasies, done for the amusement and fun of a handful of great dommes, have let me be free of the sense that I have sometimes failed miserably in life. With them, I am reborn a hale, happy, healthy guy. For me, this is a big reason why prodommes totally rock!
So when at the kinky sock hop, my most important safety rule of humiliation/cuckolding play is that she save the last dance for me.
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