Saturday, August 18, 2012

Kink Conundrum

I was interviewed for the Masocast last week by Axe. It was really fun. We had a great, wide-ranging, time-got-away-from-us, chit chat about my blog, dating kinky, my life as a client, my wife, and the one true burning question - are lawyers really all kinky or just most of us?

I have a conundrum though. Axe gives everyone the option of requesting edits or just saying that they don't want the piece to air after he sends it out for approval. I told my wife where I was going and what I was doing. I didn't lie. I struggled to lie. It would have been quite easy. But I just didn't and I felt better about being straight-up and honest with her. However, she now knows where to find the Masocast. If the piece runs then so many if not all my secrets will be revealed in the gory, self-indulgent, detail of my writing here and my yapping to Axe. It will no doubt hurt her.

I've asked her not to listen to the piece because it will hurt her and that only prompts more questions. I've certainly told her enough about me and my kink. I no longer feel horrible guilt about cheating on her with pro dommes. I'm not searching for an expiation of conscience. I liked talking to Axe and I felt like I was contributing to "community discourse". But is unnecessarily hurting my wife worth that contribution.

Selfishly I like the idea that a bunch of people would listen to me if the podcast aired. No doubt some would take issue with things I said. Others would like me. Could Mistress Right magically email me and just have to meet me? I think not. The upsides seem comparatively trival to the downside.

I vetted the idea of going on the Masocast in therapy and she was supportive. Something about how in order to caretake I had to have my own life. But this part of my own life seems to hold the danger of more hurt than help at a time when all my wife needs is my help.

Oh I get to twist in small circles about this for awhile. Just thought I'd share.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Top In The Street - Bottom In The Sheets

I have spent my life chasing after strong, smart, snarky, sarcastic, funny, life of the party girls who seem to me like they just must be dominant women in the bedroom. Needless to say I have been wrong. Dominance can be nurtured and nuanced and cultivated; but you can't hook up with a take-me-I'm-yours kinda gal and turn her into a domme.

I was reminded of this the other night when I went on my third date with a woman who was just my type. Third date land is in my book getting to the point that the nasty nasty should be at least lurking around the corner - otherwise we're either friends or we go our separate ways. Not always. Sometimes I'm sure it's slower and organic, but for me third date is a landmark.

Even my date's name suggested the kinky. Let's call her Livia Lashes - and honestly her real name is way better. Anyway, I'd dropped hints here and there and she dressed up for the date in a strapless white summer dress that hugged her atheltic curves with a possessive desire. Nice white heels and some great tastefully studded bracelets perfectly accessorized her fetching look.

"So Advo, if I'm going to date you what are you into in the bedroom?"

So I gave her what I thought was the most innocent and conventional of my desires; my love of retro-lingerie. She said she thought that was practically every guy out there. And then launched into a perfectly sensible explanation as to why that didn't work for her. Some girls don't like the dress-up thing. Now I can live with that, but I can't live without the attitude of dominance. I asked her if she knew anything about kink or bdsm and she said "you mean the dominatrix thing"? And she quickly added no, she knew nothing about it.

We had a perfectly fine evening after that and I persisted in trying valiantly to get the flirt on. But the wheel had spun and there was no jackpot. I even tried to coax a real kiss as we said goodbye and received a little peck on the mouth. I instantly sexualized her witholding.

But Ms. Lashes and I are going nowhere but the dreaded friendship land. I shouldn't be so flip. Good friends are hard to find and I like her alot. And in the end, we put it on the line and we know where we stand - or at least I'm sure I do.

And so the hunt for Mistress Right continues - in a very play it as it lays kind of way. If it happens wonderful, if it doesn't I content myself with enjoying the ride.