I was interviewed for the Masocast last week by Axe. It was really fun. We had a great, wide-ranging, time-got-away-from-us, chit chat about my blog, dating kinky, my life as a client, my wife, and the one true burning question - are lawyers really all kinky or just most of us?
I have a conundrum though. Axe gives everyone the option of requesting edits or just saying that they don't want the piece to air after he sends it out for approval. I told my wife where I was going and what I was doing. I didn't lie. I struggled to lie. It would have been quite easy. But I just didn't and I felt better about being straight-up and honest with her. However, she now knows where to find the Masocast. If the piece runs then so many if not all my secrets will be revealed in the gory, self-indulgent, detail of my writing here and my yapping to Axe. It will no doubt hurt her.
I've asked her not to listen to the piece because it will hurt her and that only prompts more questions. I've certainly told her enough about me and my kink. I no longer feel horrible guilt about cheating on her with pro dommes. I'm not searching for an expiation of conscience. I liked talking to Axe and I felt like I was contributing to "community discourse". But is unnecessarily hurting my wife worth that contribution.
Selfishly I like the idea that a bunch of people would listen to me if the podcast aired. No doubt some would take issue with things I said. Others would like me. Could Mistress Right magically email me and just have to meet me? I think not. The upsides seem comparatively trival to the downside.
I vetted the idea of going on the Masocast in therapy and she was supportive. Something about how in order to caretake I had to have my own life. But this part of my own life seems to hold the danger of more hurt than help at a time when all my wife needs is my help.
Oh I get to twist in small circles about this for awhile. Just thought I'd share.
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