Friday, October 31, 2008

Plea Bargains With Pain

She's visiting again ... the domme I love. It's so wonderful and intense. There's something about her physical presence in my life that provides a natural anchor to my submissive sexuality. So many of my "shortcomings" in my relationships with vanilla, non-dominant women are explainable when I'm with her. We just seem to fit and the natural order of things seems so clear. My penchant for service is appreciated, encouraged and sometimes rewarded. My lifelong reticence to "put the moves on" is actually an asset. She's the dominant and makes the first move because that's what she likes to do. Being with her is proof positive that I'm a submissive, kinky guy. I'm proud of that in a way I've never been prouder before.

But I have to say goodbye to her. It just breaks my heart in a million pieces and I feel so lost. No anchor to hold me, appreciate me and encourage me. Our connection is strong but I never know when I'm going to see her again. I bargain with my pain ... we'll plan our next romantic liason. Maybe she'll move back to the States next year. Maybe I'll figure a way to be more consistently close to her.

I try to live in the now and be with her up to the last minute. To revel in our being truly together and not let the pain interfere. It's hard but I'm getting better at it. I know we'll have that one more cup of coffee I fetch her before she goes ...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Mahwah Kiss

No, I'm not talkin' about the town in New Jersey... Jersey gets enough of a bad rap as it is. I'm talkin' about the kiss where she either air kisses ya or kisses your cheek and then makes a sound. A sound like the town in Jersey. A sound that probably should be phonetically spelled like "mmmooooowah". You know the kiss. I really hate that kiss.

I had dinner last night with a very hot vanilla woman friend of mine in an effort to put myself in harm's way. Now I value this woman's friendship immensely. She's single, attractive, smart, and extremely flirtatious. Ultimately, however, she is safe as she is on a mission to marry and procreate. She is completely uninterested in scenic detours with kinky married men in sexless unions who for some mysterious reason are being drawn like butter to vanilla sex.

So last night we had a late dinner and I walked her home. At the corner, dressed in jeans and a light jacket, she shivered and complained about how quickly autumn had arrived. In a completely selfless and chivalrous show of gentlemanly concern I put my arms around her and drew her close, rubbing her shoulders to create a little heat. We walked arm in arm to her door and said goodnight. But then she double kissed my cheeks ending with the dreaded "mmmmoooowah kiss" or "Mahwah Kiss" as I like to think of it. Now, I'm sure it's wise that I don't further complicate my already complicated life by weaseling my way into a little vanilla nookie with my otherwise valued friend. But to give me the goddamn Mahwah Kiss ... I mean the mayor of Mahwah actually committed suicide ... I wonder if it was over a Mahwah Kiss? Take me home to kinkland ... this vanilla stuff is way too hard.

Oh well ... I guess from now on I'm just gonna have to steal my kisses.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I'm All About The Cow Wow Wow

Ever since she left I'm just so needy and horny. I mean, every morning I was naked in her hotel room ... smelling her workout clothes she scattered on the floor for me as she showered. I'm sayin' I was eatin' dinner off the glass coffee table top on the floor at her feet as she spat it out just for me. I was walkin' behind her down the street ... her beige pencil skirt fittin' so right and so tight ... the black back seam on her beige stockings so straight and true ... me turnin' a beautiful blue. And now ... she's gone. What's a guy to do?

I'm all hot for vanilla sex.


Where's that at? How'd I get from the most wonderful kink week of my life to being all hot and bothered for vanilla sex? I spent the weekend trying to scheme to get close to this way hot woman I've known for awhile. Artsy, foreign, sexy accent. We had drinks on Saturday night and I followed the advice of friends. Flattery will get you everywhere and don't be a creepster were my guiding principles. And it guided me to a late dinner by myself and an early night. I guess just because I want her doesn't mean she wants me.

And then today I was supposed to have coffee with a very flirty friend who I definitely harbor carnal design upon. And don't cha know ... she was sick. Sheesh ... this is difficult. Oh yeah, and there's the little thing about me being married and them knowing that ... and me being honest about that.

Besides ... it's been so embarassingly long I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what to do.

Ahhhhh ... I'm just butterflyin' about ... and everything starts to bend. I guess it's just a personality crisis that's bound to end.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Cheeseburger At The Little Gem Diner

What is a munch anyway? I'd heard about 'em. I even wrote that I was thinking of going to one. Really ... I had no clue. But, not to fear. Sir Viktor of DSF answers my burning question ...

"What is a munch? A munch is a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM. A munch is usually held in a restaurant."

Ahhh ... okay ... now we're talkin'. But not any old restaurant. The DSF munch is held in a diner. Indeed, it is venued at the famous, kink-friendly Moonstruck Diner on 23rd Street and Ninth Avenue in Manhattan. Little did I know that for years -- no decades -- the Moonstruck has been the place for kinksters to meet and greet and scarf down cheeseburgers, or in my case, a chicken caesar salad.

My dear friend Scarlett did a great Max board post entitled, "So how are you going to support the scene?" And so, heart thump-thumping like a little snare drum on meth, I suggested we meet up for the munch at the Moonstruck. Now, I gotta tell ya, I'm a little socially phobic at the best of times. All those second form dances in prep school with "Cherish" playin', everyone except me doin' the double clutch ... I go back to standing in the corner all lonely and miserable in a heartbeat. But in true submissive man style, I've been able to overcome my social fears with discipline and training so I'm actually asking this smart, hot, oh-so-nice, kick-ass domme to meet me at the Moonstruck.

And munch we did. Our host Viktor had this uncanny way of making everyone feel at home. It was such a fun, easy, mind-expanding way to meet other people who are into kink. Guy doms married to women dommes, submissive guys with dommy women talking about how to be in a bdsm relationship. I'm not real up on all the various nooks and crannies of the scene, but it was so nice and fun. I had a wonderful time.

Most left for Paddles. I stayed and chatted with three way cool dommes and a great sub-guy. Drinkin' decaf and savoring community in the face of the Salem-style witch hunt that has beset our city. And there I was -- out -- feeling normal-kinky, doing what I could to support our thing.

Yeah ... diner ... my shiny, shiny love - you're all I'm thinkin' of ...