Cold Metal

I've always liked cock and ball bondage. I can't remember the first time a domme bound me. But I can recall the amazing feeling of surrender. And damn, if I didn't look at least two inches longer and a whole lot bigger around.


So of course, when I decided to review sex toys for Eden Fantasys I immediately gravitated towards the CBB offerings. At my specific request, they sent me the Alchemy Metallics Cock Ring they offer.

Although I don't post there very often anymore, the lovely Mme. Veronica put up an irresistable thread on The Hang she entitled "My Drawer of Shame". In her post she detailed the facinating items hidden away in her personal toy drawer. Only Veronica would confess to having a thank you note from her mom in her drawer of shame! Anyway, in my tally I realized I actually had five cock rings, if you count the hinged ring on my CB-3000. Clearly, there's an identifiable pattern, wouldn't you say. And Eden Fantasys is a virtual cock rings R US kinda place.

So the Alchemy Ring was a natural for my first sex toys review. It is, as you can see, a handsome, sleek, shiny, sexy circle of metal. It is neither heavy nor is it so light that at the slightest provocation you'd worry about denting it or making it oblong. Over any leather snap or velcro rings and even over a leather or rope thong it cleans up very easily. However, before you order the ring, measure. Get a piece of string, wrap it around the circumference in question and measure. I didn't measure but thought sure an inch and three quarter diameter would be fine.

I was wrong. Can't get the damn thing on. I've stuffed and pulled and shoved and crammed but to no avail. I requested a two incher so I could provide a review based on actual use but was politely told to go with what I got because they were sold out of the two inchers. Maybe I'm the only fool not measuring...

The whole jam-it-on-my-junk process reminded me of the time when I'd just become She-Who-Visits client and She decided I needed a chastity device. We went on a little shopping trip to Purple Passion and returned to the studio to install the hardware. Needless to say the whole shopping foreplay thing got me all hot and bothered. Now it ain't braggin' if it's true but when She tried to lock the hinge ring on me she just couldn't squeeze tight and manage the whole pin lock thing. So she called the receptionist in who called two more dommes in. As you might imagine, this added fuel to the fire frustrating the ladies. Finally, after much grabbing, groaning, and giggling they locked me down.

Six days later after the hinge rubbed me a rare, raw, red and bloody mess, She gave me permission to cut myself out but I had to meet her to prove I wasn't going all wimp-boy on her.

"There better be a scab, or better yet an open wound," she menacingly warned.

She led me into a Starbucks bathroom near Macy's and inspected the damage. Suffice it to say, I've lived to tell the tale.

Anyway, the Alchemy Ring, as with any solid ring, has the disadvantage of perhaps being easier to get on when you aren't sporting a chub but more difficult to remove when your schlong is doin' ya proud. I was once put into very tight and restrictive cock and ball bondage and almost passed out from all the blood rushing to my wailing wood. Probably didn't help that I was somewhere around Day 60 of my record 82 days of on my honor chastity.

So, when all is said and done, if you like solid cock rings and want to give this sleek, smooth item a try - at $11.99 - you can't go wrong.

Maybe if I shave the manly bits and use a wee dram of ye olde lube I might succeed in getting some personal enjoyment out of my new plaything. After all, I'm a product of America, from the morgue to the prisons, and cold metal - it's how we win - but also how we sin.