Sunday, June 19, 2011


Last weekend I was doing things around the apartment and I put on Unspeakable Axe's Masocast, the kinkster's answer to the Charlie Rose show. Axe is a very engaging and funny interviewer. His shows illuminate the Scene in creative ways that I've not run across in any other venue. As well, I just cranked up the volume and did stuff while he chatted away. Other times when I'd listened, I'd stolen moments here and there, worried that my wife would come in and I'd get "busted". But now, as I approach a year of separation, I just let it rip.

I listened to two or three shows, but was most engaged by the talk with Stephen Elliot. Retired Domme suggested I read Elliot's book, "My Girlfriend Comes To The City And Beats Me Up". Lazy pleasure reader that I am, I've only gotten through a few of the erotic vingettes. He is an accomplished and talented writer who is open and out about being submissive to dominant women. He, Axe, and Alex talked about his writing, his life, and his politics. In his introduction to "My Girlfriend" Stephen writes;
"We can't wait for the approval of others; we must force them to accept us. We will never have political power until we let the politicians know we are not ashamed."
In theory I completely agree, but reality makes it a very complicated proposition. Alex questioned Stephen quite closely about this idea and while she obviously agreed with him, she recognized that many people have a lot to lose by being "out". She's quite out herself, but she defended those of us who still fly beneath the radar. She wondered if society was really ready to open its arms to those courageous enough proclaim their kink.

I think if everyone who had ever seen a prodomme, worked responsibly in the sex industry, played kinky games in the bedroom, or bought bdsm toys took to the streets, put their fists in the air, and chanted loud, proud, and in unison; "We love our kink and your laws stink" - it would be impossible to dismiss us as a marginal, twisted, lurkingly dangerous sub-culture.

I feel like I'm pretty out. I've lost my marriage over my kink, most friends who really know me, at least know I like my women dommy, and in the Scene if you know my first name and what I do for a living, which is most everyone I know; you can immediately find my law firm's website.

But I'm not really out in the way Stephen Elliot is or in the way it takes to force political change. I'm afraid that lawyers who refer me business would stop and I'd starve. Judges and prosecutors I fret, would look at me differently. I'm terrified that clients, who want a tough guy trial lawyer, would not understand I'm a fearless knight for my Queen, but would scoff that I'm a wimpy, sniveling milquetoast. Which, of course I am - but only if she demands it.

Writing is a powerful tool. I've toyed with trying to write a fictional account of my relationship with She-Who-Visits and getting it pubished in my own name. Of course it would be a smash best seller, and like Elliot's "Adderall Diaries", a famous actor would buy it, want to play me, and I'd become a legend in more than just my own mind.

Stephen Elliot says "My Girlfriend" is "not a memoir, but it's damn close. And I'm OK with that. And I'm okay with you knowing that."

I wonder - would I be okay with my whole world knowing that?


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Thanks for recommending another kinky book for my consumption and a possible review. I have heard of the book but of course a recommendation from you (not to mention retired Domme) definitely ups the ante.

I have always been pretty out about my kink. Probably because I started playing when I was still very young. I do keep it to myself where my professional colleagues are concerned as that seems the prudent thing to do. Some of my Facebook friends know about my proclivities though. Especially ex-girlfriends and ex-roommates! ;-) Back in those days we were all pretty wild. I don't think folks really thought it was a big deal. But all of my close friends knew.

If I were to become a political activist I doubt my cause would be kink. There are just too many other more urgent and pressing issues that have to be addressed first. I will stop right there as I doubt you want me stand up on my soapbox and start ranting on your blog! ;-)

Aarkey said...

Being out is such a tricky and personal thing. I do think that over time we're getting there. Slowly, carefully... but getting there.

And I'm fine with that. Just seeing kink getting more and more treatment both in the media and society, shows that the borders that kept us contained are slowly eroding.

advochasty said...


The book is quite good. Definitely worth the read.

I suppose being "out" is a relative term and very personal.

Rant away. I'm not so much of an activist as I find the pressing issues of my day and life to be pretty consuming. Also a bit tricky to define what you'd be active about.

What consenting adults do in the bedroom doesn't require much activism. Elliot wrote the intro to "My Girlfriend" during the Bush administration's crack down on obscenity. And certainly the politics of sex work are important and complex. Not sure that's my fight though.

Aarkey -

I think slowly and gently is the way to go. Too much too soon could be just that - too much too soon.

Anonymous said...

The Masocast with Stephen Elliott is my second favorite episode. I've read a number of Elliott's books, and I've enjoyed them all. They help me think about who I am, how I fit in, and who I want to be.

I'm out to a few friends, but not most. A couple of co-workers are aware. I keep muddling a along, trying to maintain the uneasy balance between being honest about who I am and maintaining a respectable privacy.

In the meantime? I'll start checking the bookshelves for Advo's Adventures in Kinkland!