Sunday, September 2, 2012

Finding FetLife

I really don't get FetLife. I love the concept but the place just seems so massive with little opportunity to participate in a real time, on-line community. I also imagine that most people join to meet other people with similar interests, to find play partners, and to search for the elusive special someone. While the site has discussion groups, the posting architecture is cumbersome. When I used to post on Max Fisch I so often felt either immediate or semi-immediate personal contact. I admit to not really giving the FetLife discussion process much of a chance, but it just hasn't worked for me.

The site operators seem to have purposely made it extremely difficult to search out play partners. I can't do a search for dommes between 45 and 65 in the New York City area. This is a big drag. It seems to me that this is pretty basic and would be of tremendous use to all members.

However, this failing has not deterred me and in spite of my critical whining I have had more success on FetLife meeting attractive kinky women than with any other method I've used. It just takes obsessive compulsive desire, of which I am blessed with plenty. You can search by city, state, or country so I just click on NYC and I'm immediately shown 40,237 profiles displayed 16 to a page. Then I begin scrolling in search of connection. And so it was last weekend when I sent a message to an attractive domme. Since I am a veteran of this sort of effort I really expect very little. Dommes get massive amounts of email and IMs. Responding to each is a huge time waster. Plus, I've been told that lots of the communication is not high discourse.

But I got a response and we met for coffee. I arrived early at the cafe and found a seat. It was such a nice day there were no outdoor tables available. Just as I went to sit down she walked up and just stood in front of the place. I had a perfect view from the big glass front facade. Petite and sexy she wore a form hugging white strapless summer dress and carried a large brimmed straw hat. She had long, strawberry blonde hair and an easy, confident looking manner. I just looked.

Then I got up and introduced myself and from there we just talked up a storm. We discovered we'd both had difficulty "converting" non-kinky partners. She had a great sense of humor, a keen intellect, and a mischievous smile. When she got up to get something from the counter and the sun light hit the back of her dress I could see she wore a tiny black thong.

It is always tremendously liberating to be "who-I-am" sex-wise on a first date. She asked what I was into to gauge our compatibility and confessed to being a recent convert to domming, having been a sub for most of her time in the scene. She had all sorts of enthusiastic plans to learn the craft and I immediately offered myself up to guinea pig for her.

We both lead very busy lives but as we parted we promised to be in touch. Later she texted me in response to my electronic thank you note and said she looked forward to seeing what sort of trouble we could whip up. So just maybe, despite my contrary mewling, FetLife isn't such a bad place after all.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

This sounds very promising! I know what you mean about the difficult architecture on FetLife and the immediate gratification that used to go along with posting on Max. But The Hang no longer accepts new accounts and the stragglers who still go there remind me of the remaining castaways in Hitchock's "Lifeboat". Besides the only women who post there are pros and that is not what you're looking for.

So here is to your obsessive compulsive streak removing all obstacles! Here is to strawberry blondes wearing sexy black thongs! Here is to the future of your subbie explorations which seem to be getting a lot more interesting! Here is to Fetlife helping you meet your Mistress! Onward and upward my friend and the best of luck to you!!! :-)

advochasty said...


Thanks for the enthusiastic cheerleading! It's such a struggle to find time to pursue Mistress Right, but I think the time I do find helps me to do the caretaking and the work. Max does seem like a shadow of what it was. Didn't know they were not taking new accounts.

Funny but I met my really good scene friends and Max or because of contacts I made through people I met on Max. I really have a soft spot in my heart for the place.

We'll see what happens with Ms. Sexy Black Thong. It appears very hot and promising!

advochasty said...

Oops, met my good scene friends ON Max. Never met Max...

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

That is true for me as well. You, Aarkey and my confessor are my three best subbie friends. I met all of you guys on Max. Aarkey and my confessor I met when they responded to my very first post. We have been friends ever since.

Giles English said...

Good luck! There is a wonderful sense of liberation in being your real full self, isn't there?

advochasty said...

Giles -

Thanks for the well wish. You are so right that there is a personal liberation to being my real full self. It doesn't mean things will work out, but it's so much better not to hide. Plus, I feel good to be private even when I've tried to give up as much of my secret life as I possibly can.

Hey, thanks for dropping by!

Aarkey said...

FetLife is definitely very different from Max, or for that matter most of the "meeting" sites. It runs much more like an way to share news, events, etc.

The whole search mechanism for names is VERY awkward, even when you're already linked as friends with someone, finding their Fet name can be a pain.

Either way, it does serve a purpose, and once you get used to the slow nature of posts, and the divisions that all the groups and sub-groups creates, it can become an awesome resource.

I'm personally very glad its not as "hookup friendly" as it could be. Those sites always become such a place for "cyber play" to me that those seeking deeper personal connections seemed to stay clear of them (at least after the initial phase of investing time there.)

Good to see an updated post btw, and sounds like a lovely date :)

Miss Margo said...

"You can search by city, state, or country so I just click on NYC and I'm immediately shown 40,237 profiles displayed 16 to a page."

This made me laugh.

The Fetlife search functions are awful. Deliberately so, I am sure.

It wore me out, but I have no doubt that I'll be back on cultivating "friends" eventually. Kinky people have to self-select in the pursuit of mates, otherwise we have no chance.

Congrats on your connection with Strawberry Blonde Babydomme! That's exciting to read about! Keep your readers posted. Am waving virtual pompoms with HMP for you.

Hope you are well! xo

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Every time I talk to you about FetLife I feel inspired to really try to break in and crack the secret shell that seems to keep me from enjoying all it promises to offer.

I guess I just wish there was an on-line kinky dating service that worked. Sure there would still be the search, but at least there'd be some baseline common ground. FetLife certainly does seem to serve a fine purpose and is clearly a great resource.

I need FetLife For Dummies...

advochasty said...

Hey Margo,

Kinky Mates Self Select. I love it!! Truly words to live by.

I was hoping to see Strawberry Baby Domme last night but she was busy. Oh well. I'm busy too and it's one of the reasons I felt there may be potential for some sort of relationship. She can't need me to put her first and I won't ever expect her to put me first.

At least for now.

Thanks for dropping by.

Miss Margo said...

Hi Advo. Just peeking. I was hoping that your weekend was more fun than mine.

And yeah, we kinksters have to self select (though "Kinky Mates Self Select" sounds like a great name for an internet dating service!). I myself have gotten vanilla guys to do kink-lite stuff for me or to me...but somehow, it's always awkward when you know they never would come up with the idea themselves and don't particularly care if they ever do it again.

And of course, no "first" priority upon such short acquaintance.

I hope you are enjoying this excellent weather.


maymay said...

There is a third-party FetLife search script that majorly improves its functionality, giving you the ability to do searches in arbitrary locations, filter by age, gender, or role, search only in user's friends list, search for users with specific fetishes, search for users who RSVP'ed to a specific event, and a lot more. Share freely. :)