Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Fix My Ignition

I've been home sick today. I never take sick days. Since I'm my own boss I suppose I'm not going to get written up, am I? Lousy cold, I hate it. Anyway, my wife asks me to clean out a little section of the shelf around the computer. Dutifully, I tossed out very old computer games, cheat books so when I played I could actually get off level one and various other junk. After I'm finished she comes out to the kitchen brandishing my little silver Rocstor hard drive and inquires, "What's this?" Oh, that's where I keep all my porn. Nothing like honesty, right? Well, maybe.

This revelation precipitated a discussion about how porn and my perverted sexuality has caused me to be disconnected from her, to fear intimacy, and to not be capable of having a successful sexual relationship with a woman. She hurled some familiar, inflammatory insults and was typically revving herself up to unleash her very powerful anger. Maybe it was how nice the 60 degree February day felt or how doped up I was on over-the-counter cold meds but I just didn't take the bait. We ended up having a very connected, intimate and successful chit chat about separating. Sometimes I don't know what's worse - the horrible screaming or the mature recognition that our marriage maybe corroded beyond compromise.

It seems sadly ironic to me that the price of feeling so much better about my kinkiness and myself will be my marriage. I told another woman friend about my marital troubles and she confided in me that she was the kinky one in her marriage. I've known her for sometime and for many years had a wicked crush on her. In fact, it was really with her that I first began to peek out of my closet and joke about kink. I mean, when she tells ya that for Halloween she dressed up as a nun but underneath wore stockings, a corset and skyscraper pumps and wanted her then boyfriend to put a diaper on underneath his priest costume - you know you're talking to a kindred spirit. But she married a wonderful, traditional guy with, as she characterizes it, a Madonna/Whore complex.

So why do we do this? I know we don't all do this, but a bunch of us do. Why do we think we can remake our kink into some acceptable flavor of vanilla? Maybe the urgent desire will go away. Maybe it won't be so important. Maybe I'll get him/her to do just a couple of things. Things will be okay. But they just aren't. At least not in my backyard.

It was good today talking to her. Made me think we'll separate and figure out how to be friends. I really do love her very much, but I'm coming around to seeing that I can't make this compromise solution work.

I need a shot
I need a shot of ambition
I need a hit
I need a hit of nutrition
I need a fix
I need to fix my ignition
If you want to whip me into shape
I need a plan or a mission
-"Fa Fa Fa" by DataRock

7 comments:

MaitresseS said...

Hi advo,

Sorry to hear about the shape of your marriage. 3 years ago it was me having that discussion with my ex. It's not easy, and can be infinitely painful. But I am glad you both have the courage to actually discuss it. Some never do and just settle for disfunction and unhappiness.

Just remember you're not alone! :)

MS

advochasty said...

Thanks! I actually veer between sadness and excitement. Very odd.

Hey, didja find the waist cincher?? I can't be feeling so all broken up if I'm asking this sort of question, huh?

Maitresse S said...

I did find the waist cincher :)

And got some full back high waisted panties to go with. I have a photo shoot next week and its going to be all about the vintage B&W look. Should be awesome!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

This separated at birth thing is becoming more apparent every day! I am also sick. I too have a cold. I'm popping Airborne and this new stuff "Oscillococcinum" in the hopes that it wards off the disease before it really takes hold. I was also going through my old porno collection last night and this morning. I found a CD backup of my hard drive with some porn on it that I downloaded back in the late 90's - 2001. We seem to live parallel lives my friend. ;-)

I am sorry to hear about your marriage. It's obvious that she blames the lack of intimacy in your relationship on your kink which I very much doubt is the whole truth though it may play a part. She seems to be angry at you for being kinky which is *extremely* counter productive and doesn't leave much room for negotiation, compromise or even understanding. It's who you are. It's like being angry at someone and blaming them for being Jewish, Irish, Italian or gay. It makes no *&^%$#@ sense! If she were to look at herself instead of pointing the finger she might find that she has also contributed to the lack of intimacy. As you and I have discussed certain biological changes occur in a woman as they age that cause them to be less interested in sex or even "give up on themselves sexually" as a good friend of mine (you) once so succinctly put it!

I hope you can arrive at some sort of amicable agreement whether you separate or stay together. My Queen and I have been through some of what your wife and you are going through right now. It's not easy but if two people love each other enough and are willing to compromise and meet each other half way it really is possible to arrive at a middle ground that is mutually acceptable to both parties. At least that has been my experience.

All The Best, Good Luck and Feel Better! :-)

hmp

advochasty said...

@MS

OMG!!! Is all I can muster ... Have a wonderful shoot.

@HMP

I took something called Umcka which really seems to speed the cold right through me.

It actually was a very positive talk she and I had. It was the first time I think she really heard that I was okay with a separation and that we could work together to define it and see if we couldn't be more together by creating some space.

I totally recognize that she needs to blame me where there is little base line blame to be had. She is very proud and feels rejected so its just gotta be my fault.

We were talking about me moving out and her continuing to live in the coop. I joked that I just didn't want to be supporting her and the hot, young 35 year old penniless musician she was bound to take up with. She immediately said, "Sounds good to me ... is he cute? Is he well hung?" In therapy today my shrink and I talked about how that was a nice thing for me to say. That I saw and wished that she could be happy and sexy in her way.

What was Ms. A's thing ... pace, pace, lead? Hmmm ... maybe she had something there.

Always good to hear from you brother!!

Whizzer said...

Advo,

I am so very sorry to hear of your continuing troubles. I know you have been struggling with them for some time.

Sometimes life just sucks, my friend!!! Big time!!

I don't think I'll ever be able to be as honest as you are being these days. I really admire you for it and for the progress you are making. There is lots of support for you around here. Stay strong!

All the best.

Whizzer

advochasty said...

Hi Whizzer,

I guess I see it not as honesty but as true acceptance. The cold dark freezer door was left open and all the secrets melted - but went everywhere. I just can't keep 'em frozen away anymore, even if I tried.

I truly appreciate the kind words, my friend. I really do. Thanks!!