This revelation precipitated a discussion about how porn and my perverted sexuality has caused me to be disconnected from her, to fear intimacy, and to not be capable of having a successful sexual relationship with a woman. She hurled some familiar, inflammatory insults and was typically revving herself up to unleash her very powerful anger. Maybe it was how nice the 60 degree February day felt or how doped up I was on over-the-counter cold meds but I just didn't take the bait. We ended up having a very connected, intimate and successful chit chat about separating. Sometimes I don't know what's worse - the horrible screaming or the mature recognition that our marriage maybe corroded beyond compromise.
It seems sadly ironic to me that the price of feeling so much better about my kinkiness and myself will be my marriage. I told another woman friend about my marital troubles and she confided in me that she was the kinky one in her marriage. I've known her for sometime and for many years had a wicked crush on her. In fact, it was really with her that I first began to peek out of my closet and joke about kink. I mean, when she tells ya that for Halloween she dressed up as a nun but underneath wore stockings, a corset and skyscraper pumps and wanted her then boyfriend to put a diaper on underneath his priest costume - you know you're talking to a kindred spirit. But she married a wonderful, traditional guy with, as she characterizes it, a Madonna/Whore complex.
So why do we do this? I know we don't all do this, but a bunch of us do. Why do we think we can remake our kink into some acceptable flavor of vanilla? Maybe the urgent desire will go away. Maybe it won't be so important. Maybe I'll get him/her to do just a couple of things. Things will be okay. But they just aren't. At least not in my backyard.
It was good today talking to her. Made me think we'll separate and figure out how to be friends. I really do love her very much, but I'm coming around to seeing that I can't make this compromise solution work.
I need a shot-"Fa Fa Fa" by DataRock
I need a shot of ambition
I need a hit
I need a hit of nutrition
I need a fix
I need to fix my ignition
If you want to whip me into shape
I need a plan or a mission