Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A Murder Of Crows

We want to belong to her. We long to belong to her. She will take us and hurt us and heal us. And we will love her for it. It's all heat, confusion, and exquiste romance. In a year of unimagined loss I've gained so much. Pain and fear. Hope and trust. They rock me on the water of a new life that surprises me with each new twist and turn.

My wife is dying a slow death before my eyes. It is the best of it now for it will surely only get worse. But we are closer than we've ever been. Save for who I am deep in my hidden heart.

She-Who-Visits is in touch alot. But even as she plans a trip to see her family in New York, there is no mention of time for me. She knows my hidden heart so well for it has been hers. Some part of my soul will always be bound to her. But it's been a year since I've seen her and all the trust in the world doesn't replace need.

I met someone on a date that I like. In overheated letters we talk of corsets, canes and chains. We've gone from zero to off a cliff in the blink of a lust filled eye. But we've only spent a couple of hours together and the realtime lags far behind the ethernet. I reach to connect as knots to the past give way to just trying to be present and honest and as real as I can.

But despite all the promise; confusion and pain just make me want to get lost on a border road by a barbed wire fence. Just be on my own and by myself.


Aarkey said...

Wow... lots to chew in there. I'm glad we can break bread tonight and digest it all. See ya soon.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

As usual, I exaggerate for effect. However, this change thing is hard. And I seem to get involved in personal predicament bondage! Ah well...it' all very interesting.

See ya soon!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Dealing with the sickness and death of a loved one is one of the hardest things we ever have to face. As for She Who Visits She sounds wonderful but long distance relationships are notoriously difficult to maintain. I wish you luck with your new intrigue. It sounds promising even if most of the exploration has been cyber thus far. And it's ok to want to spend time alone and sort things out. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. All the best with everything that's going on in your life my friend. You are the most patient guy I know. Hope great times for you are just over the horizon.

advochasty said...


Thanks for the comment. Especially given you are away still? Hope you are having a great time.

Actually have been having great times with my wife despite the illness. Or is it because of the illness? She's going to do a clinical trial which brings with it the hope against hope thing.

She is She. What more can I say?

My new intrigue is big time interesting. Maybe wants more than I can give and is way into protocol, which I am not.

But damn if I care! How deeply do you want me to curtsy, My Queen?

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Glad to hear things are not as dire as they first appeared. Strict protocol can be awesome! Bend me shape me any way you want me as long as you top me baby it's alright! ;-)

I'm back. Just flew in Sunday and boy are my arms tired! :-P