Monday, January 2, 2012

If Heaven And Hell Decide

I think one of the hopes many of us have is that this year will be "better" than last. We'll make more money, we'll get healthier, we'll go to the gym, we'll be all around better people. My wife is on the phone as I write this and just said to a friend, "what I know is 2012 will not be better than 2011".

For her and the inevitable physical toll her disease will continue to take there is no clean slate. Just a certainty that the downward spiral will continue. But as I listen to her voice, she's so connected to this person on the phone. She's really living the life she has. And that's inspiration enough to me that maybe my life will be richer if I muster the courage to be there to help her.

Last week I had lunch with a domme friend who suggested I read a series from the New York Times Magazine about regular people who died this year. I recommend it too. My wife and I read the series together this morning. She cried so much at the first couple that she couldn't make it through the series. Each highlighted how death can strangely provide hope. We all face it. Our own and the death of those we love. As the article suggested, death is the most democratic of experiences.

So my hope is that I can be there and go the distance. Since I hope it will be a long haul, I have to figure out how to take care of myself as well as take care of her. Shrink has a care giver group for me. So far I'm not moving back in with my wife entirely; so I have my bachelor digs in the West Village. And I've got friends.

So in the midst of the reality that for my wife 2012 will not be a "better" year - for me - it may be awful enrichment.

4 comments:

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Happy New Year to you both. Your life can indeed be made richer by selfless service to someone you love. D/s and spirituality merge somewhere along that path though I'm not quite sure exactly where. What you are going through right now puts all the little trials and tribulations of life into their proper perspective. They say not to sweat the small stuff. Compared to the journey you are taking with your wife it's all small stuff. I wish you both the best of everything during the year ahead.

Aarkey said...

You're a good man, and I can barely fathom what your experience is like. I wish you both the best as you trudge on your journeys.

Namaste.

advochasty said...

HMP -

Happy New Year to you too! I read your comment yesterday and it really helped me not sweat everything. You are right, it's all comparatively small stuff. No use getting all bent out of shape. The bending never really helps anyway. Thanks!


Aarkey -

Thanks and Happy New Year. It feels more profound and less like trudery. Definitely more actual work; dish washing, laundry, garbage, decorating, shopping, yadda, yadda ... That feels like trudging. Yesterday we walked 15 - 20 blocks together. I've perfected this arm-in-arm technique that works to prop her up.

She was ready to keep going for another 20. It was me who screamed, "Taxiiiii!!".

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