Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I've concluded that I'm virtually undatable. Whatever "dating" is these days, I'm just not there. While I am separated I spend lots of time with my wife. There is no sex connection. No shared kink or ignition spark of the erotic. But my time with her is profound. Even as I struggle with the uncharitable feelings of the "resentful caretaker" I am a vastly better man for giving myself to her protection.

With each woman I've "courted" I've been totally honest. Separated yet undivorced, I care for a dying woman. She is number one. You are a distant second. Unless I'm her distant second, it doesn't work.

So then I appreciate my relationship with She-Who-Visits all the more. We're connected but lead totally separate lives. It works in its almost total and complete absence of expectation.

I'm entering another change phase. Will I move back in with my wife to care for her as the inexorable cruelty of her disease continues to destroy her body? And I've got to get real on a financial level. Things are not "turning around". The new reality is survival. Not a time to support four homes. Warren Buffet I ain't.

It is again time to let the feelings wash over me and try to enjoy the ride down the rapids of the mucky, dirty, chop of a river that is my life.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Great post as always. I have a lot of respect for you but you already know that. Taking care of your wife is bound to be quite a journey and my heart goes out to you both. There are times in our lives where things like fantasy sex and dating have to take a back seat and it sounds like you are in one of those. You do have love in your life though. That's for sure.

Great last line about riding down the rapids of the river that is your life. My word verification is "hydro".

Miss Margo said...

Please! You are not "undatable." "Undatable" makes you sound like some sort of heinous reject, which you certainly are not. Trust me on this. You are not undatable, you are simply at a period in your life which is not conducive to dating. Big difference. The distinction is crucial.

While you administer to your wife, you are just taking a time out. You are a mature individual; you understand priority and sacrifice.

Your commitment to your wife in her time of need is superlative. Seriously.

Finally--it sucks to be broke. Boy, I know. For whatever it's worth, I've found that once I got rid of property, I seldom missed it. After the immediate pain of the loss, there's only relief. I don't presume to be in your situation, of course--I'm just a grad student with a parrot and el zilcho responsibility. But if your stuff is driving you nuts, jettison it.

Thank you for the taco. Very tasty.

advochasty said...


Fantasy sex and dating are no picnic either. Perhaps I should count blessings that I have a front seat to relegate those thorny knots to for the time being.

The love I have in my life is real and deep and forever - and for this I am awestruck and grateful.

advochasty said...

Hey Ms. M,

Taco joint was good, huh? Great meeting you.

I exaggerate for effect. Despite proclaiming myself undatable for all the internet to see I continue to scheme...

But I am the appreciative beneficiary of your more objective view. You are so right that it is a season not conducive to dating and that perspective is crucial. Thanks.

As for finance it is a knot of letting go on the one hand and gaining control on the other. Funny, but last night at dance class, my partner and I were reviewing some steps that we hadn't cut on the rug in awhile - and leading just seemed natural.

This phase of life has its benefits - like realizing and owning that I am the leader of my life on that dirty dance floor right outside my door.

Miss Margo said...

Dance class! You can dance? What are you learning?

(Alas, my curiosity cannot disguise my envy. I'm clumsy and I couldn't keep rhythm if my life depended on it. Stiff.)

"Exaggerate for effect!" Interesting, that (I myself am more inclined towards the opposite impulse--understatement, minimization). It makes you interesting and engageable.

A proclivity--and a talent. This isn't the space to ruminate; I'll email you.

Taco was tasty, yes indeed! The meat was seasoned and not too dry. I know tacos, haha.

advochasty said...

My dance partner and I spent a year learning rumba and now we are doing salsa. We're very well matched as partners on the dance floor. We're counting nerds and then we get it. It was a kinky date set up that morphed into becoming dancing buddies.

Subbie guy learns to lead dommy girl around the dance floor.

Too funny.

We're verging on trying our moves out in public at some sort of club or another after over a year of practice.

I suppose some sense of rhythm helps but a lot of partner dance is rote muscle memory. Practice...like learning Japanese rope bondage...makes perfect.

Or some passable facsimile thereof...

Aarkey said...

Real life. Acceptance. Self-Awareness. Honor. Commitment.

You're a good man, and even if you aren't at a place now that you feel emotionally ready to take the step that you're heart wants - that time will come.

And until then, you simply are becoming more prepared to be the man you'll need to be when it does.

I found that for me, there was also a little extra emotional safety in the transition period when I wasn't actually "seeking" anything. It made dating a lot more fun.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Thanks for the kind words and insight. It was right on time.

I totally agree. During this "transition" I'm not investing alot of desire or need to see "results" and as a consequence it is fun.

Hope to see ya soon!

Miss Margo said...

Hi Advo;

Not to derail your comments here, but just FYI, I got the last comment you left on my blog (the Ben Franklin post) and I accidentally deleted it when I went to publish it. It was not intentional. I am sure you have spent many sleepless nights wondering why your comment did not appear on my prestigious and well-known blog (kidding, natch).

Why am I even telling you this. I must be losing my mind.

Thanks, hope you are well.

advochasty said...

Ms. M,

I figured it wasn't personal and you either had your reasons, it fell between the cracks, or there was a techno glitch.

Sweet of you to drop by and tell me though...

I'm fine, just busy. Should post something new soon!