Thursday, May 3, 2012


She-Who-Visits and a friend are planning an excursion off their idyllic island paradise. Plan was they'd come up on a Friday and stay until Monday as it was some obscure holiday, the remnant of an ancient colonial incursion or some global banking conglomerate. Plan was I'd play chauffeur-gofer and they'd let me sleep under the bed at the condo. Trouble is I can't get down until the Saturday. She and I spoke last night.

"So you're coming down alone, but you can't get here until Saturday, do I have that right?", she inquired sharply.

"Yes, that's correct", I answered on her crisp examination query.

"Well, we aren't sure we're going to use you, but would you like to be in the running?"

Priceless! You just can't teach that, it's hardwired. She probably didn't even realize how many of my erotic triggers she pulled with that one phrase. If she decides she has no use for me there will be no tears from me as what I need exists in all that infused that one little off handed phrase.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Personally, I am really hoping they can "use you"! :-)

Reading your blog has taught me to appreciate and savor subtleties in the Domme/sub relationship that I might have previously missed. You are a connoisseur of femdom; able to milk the essence from a casual gesture, a turn of phrase, a smoldering glance. I know what you mean about dominance being hardwired. No you can't teach that.

advochasty said...


I'm hoping for use as well!

So Mr. Music Man, isn't that Carlos Santana at 1:32 on Gloria's hot salsa/rumba/bachata?

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Very definitely amigo! I heard him in the mix right away! Also the guy sitting on the stool playing the Paul Reed Smith guitar is a dead ringer! ;-) There is only one Carlos. There will never be another.

Miss Margo said...


advochasty said...


Paul Reed Smith!!

advochasty said...

Ms. M,

So cryptic...

Aarkey said...

That's not button pushing, that's button mashing ;)

Miss Margo said...

Yeah, it was not a particularly provocative or illuminating comment, I know. My brain was full and I wanted to ruminate about it (your post, not my brain) for a little while.

I was thinking about it today. It was fun to think about.

As you know, I switch, and while I'm more of a masochist than a sub, I can get...well, pretty heavy.

I was turning the conversation over in my mind and I tried to reverse the genders and put myself in your position. I still didn't get it.

Now, lest you say: "Gee Margo, thanks for visiting my blog and telling me how you tried to empathize with me (as if you were doing me a favor) but still didn't "get" me (as if I asked you to)," let me assure you that I have a POINT. Ha, ha.

A LOT of sub guys really dig being treated this way (in appropriate contexts)--the denial, withholding, the casual contempt. I see it all the time. It was a hell of a thing for me to grok. Took me a lot of practice before I could effectively verbally upbraid someone I was controlling.

Female subs don't seem to gravitate towards these themes when they fantasize about being used (and yes, I realize that is a sweeping and unfair generalization). Just my observation.

I wonder why? I don't think that it's because women are "more sensitive" or have fragile egos. I think that submissive guys tend to be pretty sensitive individuals.

What is it..? Honest question. I talk about this with women in the Studio all the time. Is there a conflation of pain (from rejection) and arousal? That the woman is unattainable and unapproachable, and thereby more powerful?

Is it because (putting on Feminist Scholar Theory Hat) women are more oppressed in society, and therefore when a woman is degrading (in the right sexy context!), it is exciting instead of seriously threatening?

I hope that you, Advo, are not offended by these questions. I hope I don't offend your readers, either. I am not judging or pathologizing anyone here. God knows I'm not one to judge, and I really like you and this blog.

I am curious about this, though. Really!

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Button mashing but so natural and offhanded. Yesterday morning we had this nice conversation about her coming to visit, that it would be the first of more often trips, and how excited we were to see each other. She's just a real deal dommy girl.

advochasty said...

Ms. M,

You certainly don't offend me and I very much doubt you offend my readers. Your questions are great ones.

The desire for denial, humiliation, upbraiding, and casual nurturing contempt is at the heart of what makes my kink engine tick. It is not a "healthy" picture; but I've tried hard to understand it from my perspective.

I've sexualized a real childhood process of rejection, criticism, humiliation, and a "you-just-don't-measure-up-advo" attitude. Thanks Mom! I suppose I could say that I could understand how pathological and wrong this all is, but the bottom line is that real sexual humiliation turns me on.

The sexualization of the "bad" feelings is a way to triumph over them - to transform them into something positive. And when a domme who gets that, and needs to dispense the humiliation and gets aroused by it; we are connected and I am completed.

She-Who-Visits and I are connected deeply in this way. She sees my warts, is aroused by them, exploits them, leaves me with my dignity basically intact and clearly loves me for it all - even though she never admits it.

I don't know why submissive men are more likely to desire this sort of treatment than subbie women. Lots of subbie guys don't go for humiliation. Lots of dominant women don't get into it.

At it's best it is cathartic. A humiliation scene allows the toxin of really thinking you are a loser to be transformed into something erotic and beautiful. Then when at the end of the venom letting - she's there smiling because I've satisfied her craving to inflict that sort of sexualized psychological pain it's life affirming.

Make any sense??

Miss Margo said...

Dear Advo;

Yes, it makes sense.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I will think about this (as I am wont to do) and get back to you.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

That was one of the most insightful and illuminating discussion of the submissive psyche I have heard in a long time. Worthy of a post in and of itself. And yes it certainly makes a lot of sense to me!

advochasty said...


I look forward to your getting back to me and your continued questioning. Fun dialogue!

advochasty said...


Thanks. Maybe I will try to expand it and write about it for a stand alone post. It's a fascinating topic. Sometimes I feel like the more I dissect it the less "hot" it feels. I understand enough about what makes me tick. Occasionally I miss the boat, but mostly, as you like to say; I yam what I yam! These days if it makes me horny it's probably totally perverse and all good.

Whizzer said...


Best description for how humiliation works that I've ever read. Never really understood it before. As per hip it is worthy of its own blog entry.

Hope you are hanging in with everything else.



advochasty said...


Yes, I'm hanging in with all else. I've re-read my Humiliation Exposé a few times now. So many grammatical errors! It's a wonder I can communicate at all!

But yes, I'm going to write it up. I tend to be quite picky about my specific brand of humble pie so further definition and explanation should only help me refine what it is I want and like.

Thanks for dropping by! Great to hear from you.