Saturday, August 18, 2012

Kink Conundrum

I was interviewed for the Masocast last week by Axe. It was really fun. We had a great, wide-ranging, time-got-away-from-us, chit chat about my blog, dating kinky, my life as a client, my wife, and the one true burning question - are lawyers really all kinky or just most of us?

I have a conundrum though. Axe gives everyone the option of requesting edits or just saying that they don't want the piece to air after he sends it out for approval. I told my wife where I was going and what I was doing. I didn't lie. I struggled to lie. It would have been quite easy. But I just didn't and I felt better about being straight-up and honest with her. However, she now knows where to find the Masocast. If the piece runs then so many if not all my secrets will be revealed in the gory, self-indulgent, detail of my writing here and my yapping to Axe. It will no doubt hurt her.

I've asked her not to listen to the piece because it will hurt her and that only prompts more questions. I've certainly told her enough about me and my kink. I no longer feel horrible guilt about cheating on her with pro dommes. I'm not searching for an expiation of conscience. I liked talking to Axe and I felt like I was contributing to "community discourse". But is unnecessarily hurting my wife worth that contribution.

Selfishly I like the idea that a bunch of people would listen to me if the podcast aired. No doubt some would take issue with things I said. Others would like me. Could Mistress Right magically email me and just have to meet me? I think not. The upsides seem comparatively trival to the downside.

I vetted the idea of going on the Masocast in therapy and she was supportive. Something about how in order to caretake I had to have my own life. But this part of my own life seems to hold the danger of more hurt than help at a time when all my wife needs is my help.

Oh I get to twist in small circles about this for awhile. Just thought I'd share.


Miss Margo said...

Yeah, that's a tough one, Advo.

When I read that you were going on Masocast, I was happy for you and looking forward to hearing the broadcast, but I was also a little worried that someone from your professional life would recognize you. Me, I'm paranoid as hell about my double life. Read the New York Post this week? Yikes! (and no, I do not regularly read that trash tabloid).

I do think that a big part of being emotionally healthy is being true to yourself and transparent about it, however. You've been doing that through this blog and many other things, including Masocast. You are entitled to be who you are.

Your wife would do best, as you say, not to listen to this. Nothing good could come of it for her. But also, she cannot doubt your commitment to her. The way that you are supporting her and caring for her now, in her time of need, speaks for itself.

Whizzer said...


We all make mistakes. Sometimes they're bad. We can't fix them no matter how sorry we are or how hard we try. We have to accept and live with the consequences.

I think you've made a mistake here. But you still have time to fix it. You moved back in to ease her pain. Why rub her nose in your kink when you know how much it hurts her? Why make her pain worse?

I don't know if she has 2 months or 2 years left, but don't make her pain worse.

No one says you can't still engage in your love of all things Dommey. But you've kept it under the radar for decades. Do you have to go so public right under her nose now? Axe can run your interview at a later date. Even if he shuts down Masocast there will still be a way to get your words into the internet world.

Back in May when you wrote about moving back in, you talked about still finding the right time and place for your Quality Trouble. Do you really think this is it?

You've undertaken such an honorable and noble duty. Don't diminish your kindness and loving effort.

Anyway, that's my little bit of time and advice. I'll send my bill.

Be well,


advochasty said...

Margo -

I'm less worried about someone from my professional life figuring out that Advo is me. Anyone who listens to the Masocast is overwhelmingly likely to be kinky. I think they'd figure it was cool that I was a member of the tribe. I've sometimes worried about being "outed" but it won't be because of a Masocast episode.

I think I should either have flown completely under my wife's radar and not ever have told her about the Masocast or just ask Axe not to run the episode. She won't be able to not listen and when she does, she will be hurt and humiliated. It will manifest in fury. It will make her and me miserable.

Maybe it's some latent desire to come clean or my own anger at her that brought what was just plain fun so close to really hurting her. I think I must heed Counselor Whizzer's advice and not rub her nose in my kink.

advochasty said...

Whizzer -

I particularly like the use of my own words in an earlier post being used so effectively against me. Excellent cross counselor! I can learn a thing or two from you!

I spoke to She-Who-Visits very briefly about the Masocast. She had given me permission to talk about her and use her domme name Claudia York as much as I wanted. When I told her my wife knew I was being interviewed and that I was worried my words in the ether would hurt her She said I needn't say anymore and that no good could come from the episode airing.

Strength in numbers!

Ya, send me a bill. I'm all for lawyers getting paid!

Thanks, I truly appreciate the advice and I'm sure Axe will understand.

Aarkey said...

I've mulled over my reply a few times, and I have to say - its her responsibility to take care of herself.

Much like if you kept a diary, if you asked her not to read it, and she did - its her responsibility for how she feels about it.

We are all adults, and I feel its an important part of being an adult that we understand and respect other people's boundaries.

Its good that you are thoughtful of her, but I do hope you realize that you deserve to live your life as you feel called to do.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

I love the divergence of opinion. I suppose reflecting on this, part of wanting to shelve the interview is she'd know about my blog and my relationship with She-Who-Visits. She can't help but express concern, hurt, or fear in anger and it's very unpleasant.

All this is part of why we separated and why I liked living alone. Now the issues are all back and being frustrating.

Part of me wants to just let it ride and it's all on her if she can't stay away from Axe's podcast. At least if she learned all my secrets they wouldn't be secrets anymore.

But I'd pay big time and she'd be hurt. Ah well, I figure I'll listen to the episode and decide after I've done that.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I am arriving late to the party but in a way that's o.k. because I get to process what others before me have said. This is a tough one. I struggle with it too. In fact there are times reading over my blog when I want to delete the whole thing. Such is struggle between wanting to be "out" and connected to a greater community and wanting to preserve our anonymity and our privacy.

I would have to hear what you said in your interview before I could make a truly informed decision about this. It's quite possible I could hear the content and feel it was completely harmless. After all she did know you were seeing pros on the side so if that is all you reveal perhaps it would not be such a big deal. If you share about a lot of negative stuff in your marriage and reveal private information about her and your relationship that might be a different story.

Using my own experience as a rule of thumb, I would probably not publicly announce things Her Majesty did not already know about if I thought they would hurt her feelings (or damage the relationship) even if those things were in the distant past. Especially not on a media channel she could read and was aware of. But that's just how I would handle it. Your mileage may vary.

I would be disappointed not to hear your Masocast interview. I was looking forward to listening to it and reviewing it on my blog. But hey in the grand scheme of things that is probably not the most important of considerations.

advochasty said...


I did not measure my words in the interview. My wife would learn I lied to her, that I saw pros during our marriage, and that I was She-Who-Visits client. And that I fell in love with her, moved past it, and we are now friends with kinky benfits. She would also learn about my blog.

I think she suspects that I've lied to her and that I saw pros during our marriage. I don't think she believes I was She-Who-Visits client and I don't think she has a clue about my blog.

As for crafting an interview that threaded the needle of what she already knew, I just couldn't do it. It's too false a picture of who I am. Lots of what I talked about showed my warts too.

And I go back and forth on this but almost so as not to deal with her upset and anger I'm leaning in favor of shelving the interview.

I didn't really think this through. I've always wanted to be on the Masocast and talking to Axe was a blast. He was eager to have me back for a subbie guy round table, much like he's done prodomme roundtables.

He gets 20,000 - 40,000 hits an episode so that was a fun idea. I get a little over 2,000 page views a month so the contrast would be interesting.

In the end stats have never mattered to me and I write for myself. But if she learned about the blog, would I be as open and honest for my tiny, but loyal readership? But most importantly, wouldn't it have to affect my own writing?

I worry too about hurting my wife; and the not insubstantial fallout that will no doubt attend her inability not to listen. I selfishly just don't think I want to subject myself to that.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

It sounds like a great interview. Wish I could hear it. I totally hear you on all points though. I completely respect your decision whatever it may be.