I have spent my life chasing after strong, smart, snarky, sarcastic, funny, life of the party girls who seem to me like they just must be dominant women in the bedroom. Needless to say I have been wrong. Dominance can be nurtured and nuanced and cultivated; but you can't hook up with a take-me-I'm-yours kinda gal and turn her into a domme.
I was reminded of this the other night when I went on my third date with a woman who was just my type. Third date land is in my book getting to the point that the nasty nasty should be at least lurking around the corner - otherwise we're either friends or we go our separate ways. Not always. Sometimes I'm sure it's slower and organic, but for me third date is a landmark.
Even my date's name suggested the kinky. Let's call her Livia Lashes - and honestly her real name is way better. Anyway, I'd dropped hints here and there and she dressed up for the date in a strapless white summer dress that hugged her atheltic curves with a possessive desire. Nice white heels and some great tastefully studded bracelets perfectly accessorized her fetching look.
"So Advo, if I'm going to date you what are you into in the bedroom?"
So I gave her what I thought was the most innocent and conventional of my desires; my love of retro-lingerie. She said she thought that was practically every guy out there. And then launched into a perfectly sensible explanation as to why that didn't work for her. Some girls don't like the dress-up thing. Now I can live with that, but I can't live without the attitude of dominance. I asked her if she knew anything about kink or bdsm and she said "you mean the dominatrix thing"? And she quickly added no, she knew nothing about it.
We had a perfectly fine evening after that and I persisted in trying valiantly to get the flirt on. But the wheel had spun and there was no jackpot. I even tried to coax a real kiss as we said goodbye and received a little peck on the mouth. I instantly sexualized her witholding.
But Ms. Lashes and I are going nowhere but the dreaded friendship land. I shouldn't be so flip. Good friends are hard to find and I like her alot. And in the end, we put it on the line and we know where we stand - or at least I'm sure I do.
And so the hunt for Mistress Right continues - in a very play it as it lays kind of way. If it happens wonderful, if it doesn't I content myself with enjoying the ride.
A Munch Guide
5 years ago
4 comments:
Hi Advo:
What you say is very true. Many women who appear dominant on the surface secretly want to be ravaged by a "real man" in the most conventional vanilla sense of the word. We the subbie brigade are given difficult choices. Do we woo them into some conventional vanilla sex and hope to convert them later? Should we be honest about our pervy proclivities right up front or wait for the right time to broach the subject? Do we settle for something less than our fantasies in the hope that things may develop more fully later? Sounds like she was quite up front about ferreting out your true nature. Unfortunately she appears to have installed a "subbie filter" that makes future kinky exploration impossible.
Plenty of fish in the sea comrade. Just very few of the correct species. Thus we sub males often find ourselves relegated to the dreaded "friend zone."
Your quest is a hard one my friend. Especially if you are practicing "on your honor chastity!" ;-) Good luck and happy hunting! :-)
I really have made the "I'll convert her" move too many times in my life. I'm sure it may work sometimes, but I'm not going there these days.
Yes, I'm doing the on my honor thing, hoping to hold out until I see She-Who-Visits. It will make it so much more fun and interesting. Self imposed, but I've told her about it.
However, if the right situation arose I might just have to slip. Unfortunately, this was not to be.
It's fine. I'm happy just looking and dreaming these days.
Good to see you're updating, and you know I know you know how that goes, and I got a big smile out of "I instantly sexualized her withholding." :)
Even if manifesting the reality seems impossible, we've always got our imagination.
Hi, Advo! Great post! Sorry I'm late to comment on this one!
As you well know: it ain't easy being kinky. Finding partners is tough and the searching/vetting process invariably risks painful rejection ("You want me to do WHAT? You like WHAT?"). One time, I was on top of a boyfriend in bed and I was (gently!) holding his wrists down, just for fantasy's sake, and he looked disturbed and asked, "Why are you doing that?!" What could I say? Yeah, it sucks. I have it a bit easier than you do because I'm a woman (vanilla guys are more willing to try to humor mild kinks if they know it'll drive the girl wild), but...it's still tough. I sympathize.
And I agree: you can't really convert 'em.
When in a relationship with a vanilla person (or just someone who doesn't "get" your kinks at all), the best you can hope for is someone who is not offended by it, and is willing to do it to you because he/she knows it makes you happy, and he/she likes satisfying you. When they entertain your kink, it's like getting a loving favor. And you can't ask for it too often, because then they'll get resentful or think you're weird or don't love em as they are. It's a tough situation to be in...you appreciate that they try to humor your kink, and the relationship is fine, but at the same time...it's like living on cans of Ensure. Meets your nutritional needs, but not really satisfying, you know?
Ms. Lashes sounds like a knockout, but come on...every woman (or man) can dress up for their partner every now and then. That's not an unreasonable thing to do. The way you describe her, she's not a jeans-and-no-makeup-ever type of girl, so dressing up shouldn't be contrary to her personality.
(BTW, most guys don't know what retro lingerie is. I own a ton of it. A lot of men have never seen a live woman in a garter belt. Much less a girdle. For real.)
One thing that works for me when discussing sexy stuff on a date is omitting "hot words." People who don't know about kink, you say you're kinky, and they get scared that you're a degenerate sex maniac into animal porn, or something. I say stuff like "I really like it when my partner knows what he likes/I like to be assertive/like it when he's assertive/I like to be playful or creative/like to be told how to satisfy my partner/like to tease or be teased." That way it's suggestive, but ambiguous and nonthreatening. Based upon how my date responds, I decide whether it's safe to be more explicit.
Any luck on CollarMe? I know it's a total sewer--the Craigslist Casual Encounters of kink--but there are some decent homo sapiens on there. Men, at least. I know nothing about the women on that site.
Sorry for this longass comment.
P.S. I am fascinated by the fetish of male chastity. Doesn't it drive you bonkers? My impression is that male and female sexuality differs here: the more sex women have, the more they want. If they don't have it for a while, they go into a sort of 'sexual hibernation.' Men who have sex or get off regularly don't think about it so much, but if they're deprived, they start to obsess about it. Is that the case?
sorry for dumping War and Peace on your comment thread here, Advo. Jeez.
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