So, Am I Really And Truly A Lifestyle Kinkster - Redux

I started this post earlier today and accidentally hit the "Publish" button before it was finished. I instantly deleted it so I'm starting all over. Such a techno-wizard, though I'm still getting used to composing my posts on my iPad. That's my whiny excuse and I'm stickin' to it!

Aarkey has a great post about looking for a domme. Perhaps I'd more accurately describe his message as readying yourself for Mistress Right rather than specifically searching for her, finding her, and winning her. For me, his post fed an on-going internal debate I've been having over whether or not I'm really a lifestyle submissive or something else. While there is no "one size fits all" in any kind of relationship, the hallmarks of a D/s relationship lived in lifestyle fashion have recently given me pause. I know for sure I'm not a slave. I'd be constantly bridling at the complete lack of say. I always want a respected and valued participatory voice.

That said, I do think it is quite possible for me to meet a dominant woman who is a top in the sheets as well as in the streets, but who views me as a loving and equal partner in life. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility to always run the show. I'd feel protective of her and would want to contribute to and be supportive of any decision making process. I'd want to be heard and respected. Truth be told in all three long term relationships I've had, the women ran the show. There just wasn't a bdsm base to the coupling.

In the scene dating that I've done I've always done the asking. I've viewed it as offering myself for consideration. My dates never seemed to mind and I felt chivalrous and avant by taking the first step. With the limited time I have I just can't afford the commitment to "community service" that would put me on dommy radar screens. I've really liked the process of looking. I try not to take it seriously and have come to believe that it's enjoying the ride that counts. And if I like the scenery and the adventure, I'm not bound to the result. If it happens great. If not then I'm having a good time.

In the end, with all my monkey brain whirling about could I really ever measure up as a true lifestyle submissive in a Female Led Relationship, it's all about the chemistry. If we set fire to the rain I'll do anything for her.

Pound The Alarm?

This evening I was supposed to have a sneak away, clandestine, liason with Strawberry Blonde Baby Domme. We'd been out for dinner a second time at a restaurant right out of a movie set for an Edgar Allen Poe short story. Tucked back in a cellar corner in front of an open storage room shuttered with a iron barred door we plotted hotel dalliance. Ms. Berry Baby is a single mom to a teenager and I'm caretaker to my dying wife. Venue is a challenge. We had plotted an evening of CFNM based tease and denial. Easy and hot. Excitedly I made the res and informed her we were on. But as the week grew longer in the tooth and the reality of Saturday night began to really sink in, I realized I just had not plotted and planned well.

My window of opportunity? My wife was going out to the theater with friends. So what do I have? Three hours tops? There was the "can-I-get-away-with-it" obsessiveness. Gotta bring my own shampoo, soap, and product. Gotta have a cover story that accounts for whereabouts if I'm spotted. Gotta put it all on a card that will not have a statement she might see. And then there was the I've got to watch the clock factor. And finally, I'd go from sexual sub-space to helping my wife undress for bed with no reentry time. I just couldn't go through with it.

Mind you, I don't think it's cheating. I had no misgivings or doubts about my sexy playmate. I just wanted to be sure I was going to enjoy myself. And I didn't want my wife to find out. It would really hurt her. Somehow I think I'd forgotten I wasn't living alone. I suppose desire will do that to you.

So I cancelled the res on Thursday after talking about it in therapy. I swear therapy just sucks. I really can't do any serious sexy self destruction if I'm spewing it all out at my shrink. I texted Ms. Berry Baby and said I was deeply disappointed but my window of opportunity had shrunken. I did really want to see her though and suggested we meet in the hotel lobby for a drink. She very quickly responded yes, she'd love to do just that. However, half an hour later she said a different plan had emerged and she needed to be downtown at 9pm. Since we weren't spending the night together would I mind rescheduling? I replied sure, no problem.

But like a slow double take I began to think to myself that her response was mercenary. We both have limited play time and she'd probably gotten a better offer. But it just struck me as weird that we were going to see each other and should it matter whether it involved taking our clothes off? Not getting any from you but oh hey, I have a better offer and I'm outta here.

So do I pound the alarm that this girl seems too self centered or do we plot a "long lunch dalliance"? I'm still torn. Then again, if she reads this her new plan may not involve me at all. Ah the edgy life of an anonymous sexual politics blogger.