Saturday, October 27, 2012

So, Am I Really And Truly A Lifestyle Kinkster - Redux

I started this post earlier today and accidentally hit the "Publish" button before it was finished. I instantly deleted it so I'm starting all over. Such a techno-wizard, though I'm still getting used to composing my posts on my iPad. That's my whiny excuse and I'm stickin' to it!

Aarkey has a great post about looking for a domme. Perhaps I'd more accurately describe his message as readying yourself for Mistress Right rather than specifically searching for her, finding her, and winning her. For me, his post fed an on-going internal debate I've been having over whether or not I'm really a lifestyle submissive or something else. While there is no "one size fits all" in any kind of relationship, the hallmarks of a D/s relationship lived in lifestyle fashion have recently given me pause. I know for sure I'm not a slave. I'd be constantly bridling at the complete lack of say. I always want a respected and valued participatory voice.

That said, I do think it is quite possible for me to meet a dominant woman who is a top in the sheets as well as in the streets, but who views me as a loving and equal partner in life. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility to always run the show. I'd feel protective of her and would want to contribute to and be supportive of any decision making process. I'd want to be heard and respected. Truth be told in all three long term relationships I've had, the women ran the show. There just wasn't a bdsm base to the coupling.

In the scene dating that I've done I've always done the asking. I've viewed it as offering myself for consideration. My dates never seemed to mind and I felt chivalrous and avant by taking the first step. With the limited time I have I just can't afford the commitment to "community service" that would put me on dommy radar screens. I've really liked the process of looking. I try not to take it seriously and have come to believe that it's enjoying the ride that counts. And if I like the scenery and the adventure, I'm not bound to the result. If it happens great. If not then I'm having a good time.

In the end, with all my monkey brain whirling about could I really ever measure up as a true lifestyle submissive in a Female Led Relationship, it's all about the chemistry. If we set fire to the rain I'll do anything for her.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Aarkey's post was indeed a great one and provided much food for thought. I realized after reading it that the relationship you are describing is a bit like the one I found in certain respects. No high protocol, loosely structured and open ended. I actually think you have a better chance of finding a situation like that than the high protocol 24/7 thing though I really wouldn't know as I have virtually no experience in the BDSM dating world. You are certainly right that women run the show in many relationships even if they are not overtly BDSM oriented. So your advice is sound. Be the best sub you can be within the context of what you seek and approach the BDSM dating scene with low expectations and an open mind. As you say it's all about the chemistry. In the end luck plays a big part in finding Mistress Right. All you can do is make yourself ready. Excellent post amigo.

advochasty said...


I guess I know a little bit about scene friendly dating and not a whole lot about long term scene friendly committed relationshiping. I probably fall somewhere between a "spice it up in the bedroom" kind of guy and a 24/7 sub or slave. That's a large territory to explore. Luckily there's plenty of ways to explore and there's really no one way to do it. That's one of the things I love about the adventure.

Aarkey said...

I'm glad that my post brought you some food for thought, and after digesting it a bit more myself, I definitely don't think there's any one right or wrong way to go about it. And I don't think initiating an interaction with a Dominant Female is wrong. Or that there's any one way to find a relationship. I do think that many of us men go out and want to "capture" the Domme though, and I don't think that's really how it works.

Your remark about... " dominant woman who is a top in the sheets as well as in the streets, but who views me as a loving and equal partner..." is very spot on too, and something that's very tricky. Its also something I want, and because of that fact, I often have a hard time identifying with many sub/slaves in the scene because I don't see that kind of equality, and sometimes, I don't see the mutual respect.

And IMO, that's critical for what I would need in a "healthy" relationship.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

It's weird but I had been mulling over what is "lifestyle" ever since we'd met for lunch earlier this month. So it was really great to read your post on "finding" a lifestyle domme. You are a fine, sensitive, thoughtful, and funny ass communicator. She will find you I am sure - whoever she is.

Aarkey said...

Advo - thanks for the confidence and support brother. One day at a time...