Saturday, October 6, 2012

Pound The Alarm?

This evening I was supposed to have a sneak away, clandestine, liason with Strawberry Blonde Baby Domme. We'd been out for dinner a second time at a restaurant right out of a movie set for an Edgar Allen Poe short story. Tucked back in a cellar corner in front of an open storage room shuttered with a iron barred door we plotted hotel dalliance. Ms. Berry Baby is a single mom to a teenager and I'm caretaker to my dying wife. Venue is a challenge. We had plotted an evening of CFNM based tease and denial. Easy and hot. Excitedly I made the res and informed her we were on. But as the week grew longer in the tooth and the reality of Saturday night began to really sink in, I realized I just had not plotted and planned well.

My window of opportunity? My wife was going out to the theater with friends. So what do I have? Three hours tops? There was the "can-I-get-away-with-it" obsessiveness. Gotta bring my own shampoo, soap, and product. Gotta have a cover story that accounts for whereabouts if I'm spotted. Gotta put it all on a card that will not have a statement she might see. And then there was the I've got to watch the clock factor. And finally, I'd go from sexual sub-space to helping my wife undress for bed with no reentry time. I just couldn't go through with it.

Mind you, I don't think it's cheating. I had no misgivings or doubts about my sexy playmate. I just wanted to be sure I was going to enjoy myself. And I didn't want my wife to find out. It would really hurt her. Somehow I think I'd forgotten I wasn't living alone. I suppose desire will do that to you.

So I cancelled the res on Thursday after talking about it in therapy. I swear therapy just sucks. I really can't do any serious sexy self destruction if I'm spewing it all out at my shrink. I texted Ms. Berry Baby and said I was deeply disappointed but my window of opportunity had shrunken. I did really want to see her though and suggested we meet in the hotel lobby for a drink. She very quickly responded yes, she'd love to do just that. However, half an hour later she said a different plan had emerged and she needed to be downtown at 9pm. Since we weren't spending the night together would I mind rescheduling? I replied sure, no problem.

But like a slow double take I began to think to myself that her response was mercenary. We both have limited play time and she'd probably gotten a better offer. But it just struck me as weird that we were going to see each other and should it matter whether it involved taking our clothes off? Not getting any from you but oh hey, I have a better offer and I'm outta here.

So do I pound the alarm that this girl seems too self centered or do we plot a "long lunch dalliance"? I'm still torn. Then again, if she reads this her new plan may not involve me at all. Ah the edgy life of an anonymous sexual politics blogger.


Miss Margo said...

Dear Advo:

I wouldn't pound the alarm. Not yet.

Peoples' behavior and intentions demonstrate(s?) in cycles and repetitions. She might have cancelled on you for totally legit, unselfish reasons. You have no way of knowing, unless she's given you more info than you've put in this blog post.

And consider this from her perspective...she doesn't KNOW why you cancelled. Of course you told her, but she doesn't KNOW, she can't see inside your head. She does know--I gather--that you are an experienced sub. Do you think it's possible that she thinks you cancelled because you thought she'd be a "substandard" domme compared to the other dommes you've seen...?

Dommes can be insecure, too. When I started doing domination--especially with someone who wasn't my boyfriend--I had major stage fright. I was used to teaching and lecturing (in college), and I knew that I had sadistic proclivities, but I was still afraid to DO IT (sexually dominate a sub). It took a lot of practice for me to get past that.

Believe it or not, Advo, she might be intimidated by you and your experience.

If I were you, I'd give her one or two more chances.

Keep spending as much time as you can with her, even if it's just coffee. As a sub, try to be PRESENT without radiating expectation. I know how hard it is. But if she feels pressured, she could chicken out. Does that make sense..? She might be thinking: "I am not domme-ly or sexy at all compared to the talented and experienced dommes Advo has known! He's going to know that I...DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"

I could be totally wrong about her motivations. But if I were in her shoes, those thoughts would cross my mind.

Give her another chance, and take her word at face value. And consider her inexperience. If she's a jerk, or she's going to disrespect your time and effort, or if she's just not ready, you'll find out very quickly. THEN you can sever ties with 100% assurance.

That's my take!

I wish you the best


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Going to have to agree with Margo on this one. Really you were the one who cancelled albeit for a good reason. My take is that you should leave doors open whenever possible. Her Majesty and I saw each other casually, drifted apart, saw other people and got back together. If at any point I stopped remaining open to the possibilities I would have denied myself the person who became the love of my life.

Dating is so fraught with drama and mind games. Not sure how I would handle it now. In the "old days" I was very loose and relaxed about everything. If things didn't work out the first time I might catch her on the rebound. Which is exactly what happened. HM and I both became seriously involved with other people but ended up finding each other again. You can never tell how things are going to work out.

Anyone who is into trying a bit of CFNM tease and denial is worth hanging on to IMHO. Best of luck brother! ;-)

advochasty said...


You and HMP are right. I need to give it more time and more chances. I could definitely see that she might be intimidated or be a bit nervous. Even She-Who-Visits, who was a very experienced pro-domme when I first met her, has confessed that she was nervous to session with me because I was such a serial domme whore that she had worries about measuring up.

That said, Berry Baby for sure has a very healthy ego and we're both taking this very easy. I'm putting out little in the way of expectation. Or at least I'm trying not to ooze anticipation of result.

I guess it struck me as weird that if she likes me as much as I like her that she'd opt not to see me when we'd already made the date. I cancelled the sex part, not the date itself.

But then, attractive, age appropriate, kinky women who appear to want to have perverted sex with me don't grow on trees. So I in addition to not reeking of expectation I don't want to act like a picky jerk. Thanks for your as always wise counsel.

advochasty said...


Oh of course I'll give it another go...

What's really weird is I got pretty good at the dating thing when I was living alone. I didn't find many willing partners but I put myself out a lot and learned date speak pretty well. I generally liked it alot because I didn't take it too seriously.

If I'd cancelled a movie with a date but said I've got time to see you for a drink would it be weird if she wanted to reschedule all together? I don't know.

I cancelled sex not the date itself. I suppose it's why I thought she got a better offer, but Margo could be right and there could be all sorts of other reasons.

Now, because I hate the sneak anymore and I don't want to hurt my wife by getting "caught", finding the time and place and figuring out the how is really challenging. Really, South Florida is the best answer as I'm alone down there and it doesn't feel like hiding and sneaking.

Used to be that the sneak was sexual. Now I don't want to sneak around anymore. I didn't really realize how much of a negative feeling I had for the sneak. Weird the way things change.

She's a very cool woman who seems to want to do kinky, nasty things with me. Don't want to get too meaninglessly choosy for sure.