Monday, February 11, 2013

Caregiving And Slavery

I've never really thought I was a slave. Didn't think I had it in me. I'm too independent, too opinionated, and too contrary just because. Sure I've had my share of fantasies over the years about being locked up in chastity and made to serve. It didn't include doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning the house, or making dinner after a long day at work. But recently I've begun to think that maybe I could be a slave to a domme. Probably not but maybe.

I am my wife's slave. I bathe her, dress her, undress her, cook for her, clean some (not my strong suit), and am learning to cook (big fun). I try to anticipate her needs and just do them without having to be told. I take pride in my work and want to protect her and care for her. I sometimes become resentful, but the negative feelings pass. My feelings of being put upon are far outweighed by my sense that I'm providing her with the best quality of life she can experience in this last leg of her life.

I've been reading "At Her Feet" by Tammy Jo Eckhart and Fox. They are in a long term M/s relationship. She's married and has a husband and Fox is her slave. While the book was mostly common sense and basic psyche 101, it was written from a decidedly kinky point of view by a femdom and her slave. I began to think whether I could do a real 24/7 dommy girl/slave boy thing. I guess I was intrigued by whether I could sustain this dynamic with a dominant woman who was realistic about the limits real life can put on two people. I do this some with She-Who-Visits but we do long distance, not up close and personal. Made me want to talk to her about her thoughts about our future.

Such a venture would involve a poly relationship as she is happily married. More than my doubts that I could be a slave, I have serious doubts I could responsibily commit to a poly relationship. Way to complicated. I can barely sustain a relationship with myself let alone two or more others. Plus, I'm a loner not a joiner.

But in these days of trailing luggage through airports jogging to keep up with the speedy wheelchair attendant who pushes my wife to our waiting car - home from a visit out West to see her parents; it's fun to think about. There's a free form beat to my life and maybe I'm just slave to the rhythm.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Viewing your relationship through the prism of service oriented submission is probably a healthy approach. The line between being a care taker and slave is a thin one and the two roles seem similar in many ways. Glad you are enjoying the book by TammyJo and Fox. FWIW I think you would make an excellent life style slave if you found the right Lady to serve. I do some of the things you speak of for Her Majesty; cooking, cleaning step and fetch etc. I do find that if I am not played with for awhile I start getting a bit frustrated and feel like more of a care taker than a slave. That's the other side of the coin for me. I need attention, positive reinforcement and play to keep the dynamic going.

Aarkey said...

I don't know that being opinionated would necessarily be an issue as a slave, as long as the Domme understood and appreciated it - and the opinions were delivered appropriately.

Being independent however might make it more of a challenge, though doing something long distance, or a one weekend a month kind of thing - the independence could be a strong plus.

I've always bristled at the word slave. Perhaps its just the historic connotations. But sub just seems to be something I'm far more personally comfortable with.

Either way, your service to your wife, is probably some good experiences for anyone who really wants to incorporate a more serious D/s dynamic into their life.

advochasty said...


I think it was the reading that got me thinking about all the things I do for my wife with no erotic motivation which got me to thinking I could do it day to day, especially if there was play involved.

Like Aarkey commented, I've always had a negative reaction to the term "slave". But I've been trying it on just for size.

And I think you are totally right. It would have to be the right domme and there would need to be lots of talk and communication to make that sort of relationship work.

Ah one of these days I'll find out ...

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

I think I'm just mentally trying on the "slave" thing. I've never liked the term, but something resonated with me between the care-giving and the reading.

I suppose as long as both sides are upfront and honest there's a chance at least that a connection will flourish and be sustained over time.

Miss Margo said...

Hi Advo!

Sorry I'm late checking in. I had a pretty hideous week, and I'm just coming back from it.

Anyway, two things...

Some may not agree, but I think that a man caring for a chronic or terminally ill loved one is as close as a man can get to understanding the experience of mothering a baby/very young child. It is the ultimate human experience of selflessness and sacrifice...and it changes a person's ideas about themself and life. And yeah, it's a lot like slavery, I think. It's totally understandable that you'd be thinking more about slavery.

Second: people's sexual identities, needs, and interests change naturally over time anyway. Mine certainly have. Maybe slavery would be a good fit for you in the future, maybe not, but you'll definitely know if and when the time is right.

Good luck!


P.S. I don't think that I could do poly, either. Even if the other two people in the triad were dudes, fun as that is to think about, lol. Structured non-monogamy, I think, would be a more feasible option.

advochasty said...

Margo -

Thanks for taking the time to comment. With all you've been going through I feel honored.

Yes for sure. My wife said the other day that now I have some feeling for what it's like to take care of a baby or young kids.

I think the slavery thing is a natural outgrowth of my care giving experience. Plus, in the context of an individual bdsm relationship, within a few guideposts it can be defined as the participants wish.

Structured non-monogamy sounds excellent. A term and concept I shall remember and reflect upon.

Hope you are well and healing.

Brigit Delaney said...

Mr. LL and I are following, slowly, the natural (at least for us) path of taking on a D/s style relationship. So we have both been doing bit of reading. There are lots of reasons people find it attractive. I personally find it hot when my man takes complete control. It makes me feel honored and protected. I find it more interesting (probably since it isn't as expected) how and why men take on the submissive role. I'll be interested to hear your continuing thoughts on this, especially if you follow up on them.

BTW - I nominated you/your blog for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award...