Saturday, February 2, 2013

Sometimes It's Getting Too Dark To See

Icy cold dawn's early run, the gym, and coffee. Maybe she'll need me to get her to the bathroom before the gym, after, just out of the shower, a minute after I pull my underwear on. Mornings are bad for her. She can hardly move. I sit her up as best I can, leveraging my body so the legs take the brunt of the lifting. On her feet she'll falter and I'll hug her and massage her lower back and hips where all the weight and pressure are because of her dead and dying muscles. She still forces herself to walk with her red metal four wheeled stand up helper. I brace her arm with my hand. She stutter steps to the edge of the bathroom and parks the walker. I pull up the commode toilet seat that is way too small for a normal person to enthrone upon. She wobble gaits until she's in front and I reach around, pull down her underwear and lower her onto the seat. I hand her toilet paper. Soon I'll be doing the wiping.

And that's the first ten minutes of her morning. I get her back to bed, test her blood sugar as she's also cursed with Type 1 diabetes since she was a little girl. I fetch coffee, her iPad, her breakfast, her phones. Sometimes I give her a shower. All before I leave for my crazy day. Little by little, day by day, there is no improvement. Only destruction. So gradual, but the sign posts are unmistakeable. She's going slowly and torturously.

But her courage and humor profoundly inspire. Her newfound acceptance of me is stunning. We lunched with Aarkey and Crimson in Florida. Those two had never met and Crimson had never met my wife. She and Crimson chatted away about burlesque. My wife liked them both. Sushi in South Florida where I had set up a second life to be single in and here I was, falling in love with my wife all over again. Crimson texted me later that she saw why I fell for my wife - because she's awesome.

And though it's sometimes too dark to see, our renewed connection will see us through to the entrance of that door.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I loved reading this chronicle of your journey. Lots of suffering along with joy and profound truth to be found here. You are doing one of the hardest things a human being can possibly do. I can relate so much because of the journey I am currently on which (as usual) bares remarkable parallels to your own.

Be well my friend. I wish you strength, courage and serenity. It was wonderful speaking with you yesterday.

Aarkey said...

My friend, your love and sacrifice to your wife touches the deepest part of my spirit.

I am so grateful to be able to witness it.


advochasty said...


It was great talking to you yesterday as well. We do have strikingly similar paths in many ways. Divergence but completely kindred.

My wife and I are facing her death and death generally in the face and saying we're living each day to the fullest, as best we can. Makes things precious. Thanks for the comment. Appreciate ya!

advochasty said...


Such a heartfelt thing to say. Comfort and support in a blog comment. And on the phone. And in real time. Thanks brother! Way to be...

Thanks for baring witness.

Miss Margo said...

Dear Advo:

I had to comment, but I'll be brief because anything I say will be inadequate.

I think that you are being very generous to share this part of your life with your blog readers/outsiders.

I admire you, Advo, and the connection you have with your wife brings tears to my eyes.

I wish that I could do something to assuage her suffering.

Thank you for this update.


Whizzer said...


You commitment becomes more impressive every time I read one of your updates. What you are doing is a wonderful example of selfless commitment, especially for someone who was far down a different and more self-fulfilling path.

As for having the wife meet Crimson, I can't imagine a better person to represent all the good about what pro-BDSM has to offer, even if it was only subliminally touched upon. I've only met her twice, but she is quite impressive - - not to mention intelligent and well spoken.

Keep up the good work. I'm sure there are lots of people who will have your back.



Mistress Wynter said...

This made me cry a little. And it made me smile. Falling in love again with the one who has been there all along. You've reminded me, us all, that there are things in this life that are meaningful and important and should be noticed and cherished.

Thank you.

advochasty said...


Nothing you say is inadequate. You are a wonderful writer and communicator. You are so kind to share your thoughts with me. It's very comforting and supportive. Thanks!!

advochasty said...


Thanks! Yes Crimson is a great representative of anything she puts her mind to, but particularly great at being an example of a kink positive person. It was such a cool thing to see my two once very separate lives meet and get along so well.

Great to hear from you! Hope all is well.

advochasty said...


I feel like all I do is cry a little and then smile. Your comment really captured all that is profound and compelling about the path I'm on. I'm glad my little post reminded you of all that has meaning and needs cherishing.

Meanwhile, we have yet to have coffee. It's my fault...always my fault. And just so you know, the last time I saw you, you reminded me of all that is powerfully and sometimes surprisingly lustful and erotic about this thing of ours. Just so ya know...

Thanks so much for your kind comment. It touched me sweetly.