Friday, October 31, 2008

Plea Bargains With Pain

She's visiting again ... the domme I love. It's so wonderful and intense. There's something about her physical presence in my life that provides a natural anchor to my submissive sexuality. So many of my "shortcomings" in my relationships with vanilla, non-dominant women are explainable when I'm with her. We just seem to fit and the natural order of things seems so clear. My penchant for service is appreciated, encouraged and sometimes rewarded. My lifelong reticence to "put the moves on" is actually an asset. She's the dominant and makes the first move because that's what she likes to do. Being with her is proof positive that I'm a submissive, kinky guy. I'm proud of that in a way I've never been prouder before.

But I have to say goodbye to her. It just breaks my heart in a million pieces and I feel so lost. No anchor to hold me, appreciate me and encourage me. Our connection is strong but I never know when I'm going to see her again. I bargain with my pain ... we'll plan our next romantic liason. Maybe she'll move back to the States next year. Maybe I'll figure a way to be more consistently close to her.

I try to live in the now and be with her up to the last minute. To revel in our being truly together and not let the pain interfere. It's hard but I'm getting better at it. I know we'll have that one more cup of coffee I fetch her before she goes ...


Maitresse S said...

Oh I SOOOO know what you mean.

Everytime I am with my boy I hold on to every moment. I look at him almost constantly not only because I like to but because I know he's going to be gone soon and I won't be able to.

Just hold onto every moment. Make it special and enjoy it to the fullest. Don't let the pain sully it because then you never really got the best of it to begin with.

I am happy for you she is coming back so soon though! It seemed like just a few weeks ago she was here. How nice! :)


advochasty said...

It's wonderful that she came back so soon. I love what you said about not letting pain sully our time together. I want to give her my best and that isn't some sad, mopey, morose person.

I really don't feel sad as she's always with me anyway.

Besides,as she says - You have to say goodbye to say hello again.

Aarkey said...

It is wonderful in those moments when we feel whole and complete. And heart ache is just that, an ache. It's ok to long for someone, and to relish and appreciate the times you have had together, while hoping for more. For me, I find a bit of the hunger and longing can add to the joy when the time comes for more.

advochasty said...

Thanks for the kind insight and thoughtful truth about ache, longing and hope. It really sums up the best of my feelings. Even though it hurts that she's gone again I look forward to our next liason. It's a glorious grand romance made all the sweeter by parting and absence.

We had a wonderful last morning together. With momentary exception, I was completely present and not full of sorrow she was about to leave.

We said goodbye on a train ... We held each other tight at the door as it pulled into her station stop.

Now I get to long to see her again. It's truly a world class, kinky romance and I'm lucky to have her in my life.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I can so relate to this post! It totally captures that feeling of longing I used to know so well. I used to really have problems with that feeling. It caused me significant pain. I finally had to admit that the relationship I was involved in had no future.

Now I have moved on and I am back to exploring D/s with my Queen in the context of my marriage. It is a much healthier situation for me! :)

All The Best


advochasty said...

I suppose I feel my relationship with the domme I love has a future. Just a future with context and limitation. When I keep the boundries and curbs in sight it's very comforting and fulfilling. I've always had a rough time with goodbyes.