Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Want the World To Know ... or at least a select few.

So I've been telling some people that I'm kinky. More than just joking how I really like Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Er ... actually it's Julie Newmar I'm hopelessly horn doggie over. But really, I've been truly sharing for the first time in my life that I'm a perv with a select few friends. I don't tell 'em everything as there's the ubiquitous "ick factor" with some stuff. But I've been telling them more than enough that they get I'm a submissive man who wants to be with a dominant woman.

Generally, this process has been going very well and I'm feeling liberated and supported. But I had lunch this week with a vanilla woman friend who I've been randy over for some time. She of the Mahwah Kiss. She's definitely a "top" in the street. Smart, bossy, sexy, and hot. Anyway, I tell her I'm having problems in my marriage and she says, "I don't want to pry but what's going on? In other words, I'm prying." So I tell her in a nutshell the main issue is we don't have sex. Upon hearing this, my oh-so-hot friend goes off and says, "Come on, men need sex!! That's part of the marriage vow. You get a vagina to play with."

Okay ... but not wanting to misrepresent myself or my situation I say there's a bit more to it. Like? Well, I say, I've got some pretty kinky sexual tastes. Like? Well, I say, I like to bottom to a woman top. And she says ... "That's not so kinky ... you want to be on the bottom and have her on top?"

Now, I had been totally admiring her high heels, tight black skirt, form fitting wrap blouse and most of all, the tell tale gathering of her black stockings at her ankles which bespoke the real deal instead of the less enticing pantyhose. So I was a little taken aback at her complete naïveté. "Well, it's a little more involved.", I confessed. "I like the dominatrix thing." I blurted.

"You mean like whips and crops?", she so innocently inquires.

And just like that my sexual attraction quotient dropped like the Dow Jones Industrials Average. We chatted a little more about it. She was cool but so not interested. "Whatever turns you on." "As long as it doesn't involve children and animals." Sheesh!!

I gotta figure out a better litmus test to avoid the canned analysis about how it's all due to my domineering mom and the sexualization of losing TV privileges. But on the total upside, I really thought for the first time that I was looking for someone who truly shared my interest in kink instead of trying to chase and mold a "vanilla-top-on-the-street-bottom-in-the-sheets" kinda girl into my perfect domme. That's really been my lifelong mistake.

So even though it's a bit of a cliched anthem, I leave you with this, dear reader. Don't 'cha think her gloves are waaay dommy?


marcj said...

If you're still thinking about Julie Newmar as Catwoman, I'm guessing you are of a certain age. As am I---I also remember her fondly in that role. And Michelle, too, for that matter.

It still amazes me how many vanilla women can dress so dominantly, talk so dominantly, and act so dominantly outside of the bedroom. Yet they fold up into an oh so conventionally "bottom" role between the sheets. I think it's worst among boomer women because that generation embraced vanilla sex before, during and out of marriage as its nirvana. But for straights, sex was almost exclusively in a male dom, femsub manner if power exchange was even acknowledged and involved there.

True femdom is rare in that age group because it wasn't publicly expressed as a model during their teens or twenties when I think lifetime sexuality modes are established for peer groups.

Maybe the Gen Xers and the Millennials will fare a bit better due to the greater information on the Net and the wider avability of lifestyle groups and activities.

But I feel for you just as an individual.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Catwoman definitely makes me purr! She was a tremendous early influence on my budding sexuality! :-P Of course my little pre-pubescent brain was also molded by watching Emma Peel kick ass in that black leather cat suit! ;-)

I have also tried to mold every single woman I have ever been serious about. Sometimes it worked best when we took turns topping each other. That way everyone felt like they got paid enough attention to and it was a nice balance, kinda like trading backrubs. Other times it plain just didn't work. As for my Queen she is strictly dominant...not a submissive bone in her body! Interesting because she comes from a culture where women are definitely expected to play second fiddle to men. As a matter of fact I have found that women from different cultures/ethnic groups can sometimes turn out to be more interested in kinky D/s play where they get to be on top than their Caucasian counterparts. Just some food for thought! ;-)

Good for you for being honest and sharing your sexuality openly and without shame! Let’s hear it for subbie pride! ;-) Best of luck in your quest for the Dominant Goddess of your dreams my friend!


Whizzer said...


Whatever turns you on...I guess, but I really don't get the need to share with friends in the vanilla world. Maybe it's my marriage plus the interplay between my professional life and personal life that would never even allow me to entertain this thought.

The thing is I don't want to know what turns my buddies on in the privacy of their bedroom and I'm sure they feel the same about me. We're friends because of all the things that we do have in common. Their sex life is irrelevant to me. If a guy friend came to me and said, "I've left my wife because I'm really gay," my response would be, "Good for you. I feel bad for your wife. Now let's go play golf!" Maybe that makes me a very shallow person.

As for coming out to a hot vanilla woman friend, that's hard for me to picture, but if I did tell her I'm into the whole dominatrix thing, a response of "you mean whips and crops" wouldn't surprise me. The fact that she dresses a bit sexy wouldn't suggest that she has any clue about the whole power exchange concept!

I wish you much success in your search.

Now, how about a game of golf?


advochasty said...

marcj -

Ahh ... that certain age. I really liked your observation about generational traits. It has certainly been my experience and the three long term relationships I've had have all been with boomer women who are dominant outside the bedroom but take-me-I'm-yours girls in the bedroom.

I think though that today, unlike twenty years ago, there are at least ways to increase your chances of meeting sexually dominant women. Not that it's easy, just more possible.


Some years back I saw Diana Rigg on the stage in London and all I really wanted was for her to change into the black leotard.

That is an interesting "cross-cultural kink" take you have. Definitely food for thought!!

I'm all about subbie pride! In the past I might have felt ashamed, when I told my friend and she wasn't into it. Now I felt more like, ya just don't know what yer missin'!! Thanks for the enthusiastic encouragement, man!

Whiz -

I too have personal and professional privacy concerns. Believe me, I consider these revelations carefully. I was very secretive for many years. Secret sex is very loaded for me and it fueled compulsive behavior. Since I'm a bit more out, the OCD tail chasing has diminished. For me, controlled and measured sharing has been amazingly liberating.

Golf huh? Just never really had the patience for it. Now, one of those Cuban cigars you've talked about ... that's the ticket!

Whizzer said...


As the Thanksgiving weekend winds down, perhaps my favorite part was spending time with the college son sharing the hot tub, cigars and JWB! Just another reason I'll go on leading my double life.

Hopefully, one day we'll get to share a couple of Cubans!!


advochasty said...


The secret life is a fine thing. Especially when kids are involved it may be, IMO, the absolute best and only way to go. Glad you enjoyed turkey day with your family. All the best!!

slave2Catwoman said...

I don't want this to be a blatant commercial, but I wrote a book that deals with everything you mentioned in this post. Including Julie Newmar (I got to meet her!). She is even in the dedications section. The book is called "The Courage to Submit: The Guidebook For Submissive Men Seeking a Dominatrix" Check it out here.