Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Wanna Live in the World

Despite my best and persistent efforts to fashion a working compromise in my marriage, things just seem to be getting worse. For me, I've been able to envision a way that we could stay together, embrace the deep comfort of a twenty year relationship, and still get various needs met outside our marriage. I've been very careful to be explicit enough to have something to work toward but not so "honest" that I'm cruel. But for her, it all just feels like rejection and humiliation. I don't mean it to be. I love her very much. But I can't go back to surreptitious subsistence.

In ways other than kink we are very different. Who knows why after so many years of a life together it just seems to be unraveling. It's not just my increasing comfort with my perviness. It's not just my draw to flirtation and sexual attraction outside our union. It's not just her shame at our increasingly precarious financial situation. Maybe it's hitting a limit on how much we can share each other's lives and our respective dreams for a path into the future. Maybe we need some room to figure out just how much we can be together.

While it is deeply sad, I can't help but feel slightly giddy with hope. The freedom to make new friends and craft a life without all the lying and sneaking around has a cleanly captivating allure. I don't kid myself. At my age, the likelihood that I'll find Mistress Right and live happily ever after is pretty remote. But as a connoisseur of the greyer shade of grey in human interaction, maybe I don't need Mistress Right to be happy.

Maybe right now, like Jackson says, it's enough to hear a voice calling the prisoner inside who's the captive of my doubt, a voice which feeds all my dreams of breaking out ... and taking my chances - alive in the world.

9 comments:

Maitresse S said...

Oh advo...I so know what you are facing currently. It is the predicament I myself had to face two years ago. Stay in an unfulfilling vanilla marriage (unfulfilling in a variety of ways)or the excitement/fear of change and what that brings.

I wish you the best and should you need support, know you have a friend in me. We are here to support you!

advochasty said...

Thank you so ...

I just read Aarkey's blog with his "The Honeymoon Is Over Downs" horse race clip and laughed 'til I cried. I so appreciate your kind words.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I too can appreciate how difficult this situation is for you. If my wife and I had not been able to resolve our differences we might not still be together today.

I can only say that, while we must do our very best to resolve problems between us and the ones we love, ultimately it makes no sense to stay in a situation that makes both parties desperately unhappy.

I loved Aarkey's post too.

Best of luck my friend!

hmp

Aarkey said...

Wow... you weren't kidding about how appropriate my video was. I thin that video was so funny because so many of us have been there to one degree or another.

Kink just seems to exacerbate things.

There's a great freedom and liberty and joy that comes with throwing off the cuffs of shame and secrecy. Doing it without hurting others is very hard sometimes. The expectations and even the denial we setup in our worlds can be huge. And to have someone say "Hey, look a pink elephant!" well - it can be a really rough way to wake up.

But then you make a little coffee, and throw on a comfy robe, and chat... and hopefully the pink elephant is house trained.

Drop an e-mail to chat anytime if you need to.

You are not alone.

advochasty said...

Aarkey & HMP;

Thanks guys...your kind words, experience and friendship have meant and continue to mean a tremendous amount to me. The board, the blogs and chat have made such a difference. I truly do not feel alone. Though it is a sad time, it's a time of great hope.

Now, where's my pink elephant pooper scooper ...

Whizzer said...

Advo,

I really am so sorry to hear this. I understand your struggle. Please keep in mind that those few hours of kink each week may seem like pretty slim pickins' if you find yourself alone and lonely for days and nights on end if the marriage actually breaks up.

There are no easy answers, but a lot of us are here pulling for you.

All the best.

Whizzer

advochasty said...

Thanks for the kind words and well wishing Whiz. It's a bigger set of issues than just lonliness. One can end up being terribly lonely in a marriage too.

Actually, being alone might not be so awfully lonely in the end anyway. Everything is a trade off. Plus, as much as I want to be in control and top this situation from wherever my position is - I just can't control it all anymore. I'd pretty much made my peace with my situation.
She had not and has not.

The story continues for sure. But thanks again for your kind support.

Mistress Veronica NYC said...

That is very brave, Advo. It's strange that it's so difficult to do the things that we truly feel are right for ourselves. My sincerest and best wishes on your journey.


xoxo.

advochasty said...

Veronica,

Thanks for the kind and supportive words. What is right is such a mutable concept in affairs of the heart, especially when there is twenty years of a life together at stake. As I get older, what I thought I knew for sure when I was 25 years old I'm just completely uncertain of today. It is an intense journey and I'm happy you've dropped by to share it. Thanks so much.