Sunday, October 10, 2010

From Cliche To Costume

I hate Halloween. Every year I feel the pressure to release my inner child and come up with the perfect costume. I never can manage to quiet the voices of criticism, sending my eager little kid to the corner all sad and disappointed that he doesn't get to trick and treat.

This year I've been invited to one Halloween party so far. At Ms. Mah Wah Kiss's loft. She's going as some Chinese cartoon devil girl villain. Who carries a whip. She said she was either going as a "DominAtrix" (pronounced with the accent on the non-existant A) or the cartoon villian, but was concerned that I not go crazy if she dressed as a domme. I love that she thinks my capacity for cruel denial is so low. It's so cute.

I was sinking into my usual "I'm-just-not-going-because-I-can't-figure-out-a-costume-and-I'm-going-to-eat-a-worm" funk yesterday morning. So I told my self, "Self, buck the fuck up ya baby!" and I started messing around with internet searches. I wanted a fetish-theme costume. So I began to search and look and there's really nothing original out there. Besides, it's not a fetish party this one. In addition to Ms. Kiss's shindig, maybe I'll either be invited to a fetish one or go to one of the public ones. The public ones sound very much not my scene though.

So I needed a get-up that would pass, but say something about who I am. So I thought, what's cliche? A waiter, a cabana boy, a Roman slave? All so oh ho, ho, hum. Then I thought what is cliche about the domme/slave relationship and yet outwardly positive? The cliche is that of a cowering, wimpy submissive. The positive twist is a brave Lancelot or Galahad. So maybe I'd go as a knight! Fearless and loyal and courageous - but kneels at his Queen's feet. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Boooring!!! See what I mean about the nasty little peanut gallery in my brain?

I thought, so what do cartoon dominatrixes say to thier partners?

"You worm!", she'll snarl all dressed in an overstated leather body suit; black thigh high boots, blah, blah, blah.

Hmm...a worm. Hard to walk, hard to dance, no panache.

"Pig", she sneers. "Come here you dirty pig."

That's it!! I'll go as a proud, in your face, Dirty Pig. So I immediately went to Ricky's and got a nose and a pair of huge pink sunglasses. I added pig ears that come up out of holes I cut in the $5 bowler hat, and a prominent corkscrew pink tail. The look is prurient porker Elton John imitator meets a Clockwork Orange. I'm adding a tight white man beater, baggy black pants, and black braces. Some wash off tatoos. Add my black on black, white soled Nikes and a cigar to chomp on. Top it all off with my electric pink bow tie with a chunky D-ring hanging off it. I tie my own you know.

Presto! A dirty, edgy, sexy, rock'n rolla, bad boy pig.

"Hey baby! Can ya strap it on and make me squeal like the dirty little piggy I am?"

Hmmm, how many times can I get slapped?

This character allows license to say completely obnoxious things.

"This little pig don't want no roast beef, sweetheart. He wants to roll in the muck for you, doll face!"

"Yo, what about 'choo and me go to market, if you catch my drift, sweet cakes."

Really. I totally need a fetish party for this outfit/persona to be appreciated and appropriately punished.

But the persona gives license to do and say things that should suffer immediate castigation and decisive discipline. Even vanilla girls will want to beat me up!

Proud Pig, Dance Pig, In-Your-Face Dirty Pig. This little piggy likes it rough!


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

I remember one Halloween my girlfriend dressed up as a Dominatrix (she was aware of my proclivities) and put a collar around my neck with a leash attached. I was wearing a pair of Groucho Marx glasses with a dildo nose. She was leading me all over New York on the leash. I forget what the rest of my costume looked like but hers was way hot! We got quite a few looks as we boarded the downtown 7th Avenue IRT...

The pig costume sounds great! They do make piggy tail butt plugs ya know! ;-)

Sublivion2k said...


Very nice! Be sure to rub some bacon grease on you neck so you bring the full effect - and as a bonus the foodies will all flock to you!

Now that I think of it, it sounds great but I think I'll need a picture before I can give a final opinion!

Enjoy the party!


advochasty said...


I know those butt plugs. That would totally freak Ms. Kiss out!! She's banned me from using any of the lines I was honing here. Something about appearing to be a responsible professional. Jeez, whadabuzzkill....

While I hate the costume pressure, I love NYC at Hallowween. A witch catches a train at GCT; the downtown IRT has ghosts riding it.

J -

Eau Du Porc? I think I need a fetish party to take full advantage of my costume performance. I'm banned from acting out at the straight person party. Not that I'd be all that outrageous anyhow.

Ms. Tara Sterling said...

A friend of mine came up with the term "spouse protector" for those pesky undershirts- which I quite like. "man beater" is a good one too though :)

advochasty said...


I like "spouse protector". The other nickname for the shirt just wouldn't come off the keyboard!

Thanks for dropping by! Always so nice to hear from you!

Aarkey said...

Two words. Tim Gunn.

Get the glasses.

Get a nice pink tie.

Use as many three dollar words and keep saying "make it work"

You'll be a hit. :)


Seriously, that was my word... farkin. How awesome is that!

advochasty said...

It's hilarious you say that because last Halloween I was going to go as "The Undead Tim Gunn". I couldn't get my teeth to stay in.

Friends got me a Tim Gunn bobblehead and it looks more like me that it does like Tim.

The pig thing is cool, but I won't be able to have as much fun with it at the suit's in costume party. But the "Undead Tim Gunn" would be good. I actually think I get looks on the street sometimes where people think I'm him.

It's sooo much better than when people said I looked like Gary Condit.

Miss Margo said...

I just read this post. It is HILARIOUS. Thanks.