I was talking to the new shrink. The one that's going to help me get off the azapammy pills. It totally and completely pisses me the utter fuck off that I've become emotionally and physically dependant on prescription anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. He said the ironic thing was that I probably hadn't needed them in the first place. But now it's body chemistry to cut them back and wean me off gradually. With all the 12 step knowledge I have and the almost thirty years of sobriety from alcohol I've maintained, this just infuriates the crap out of me. Mind you, I'm not abusing, just taking what's been prescribed. But,I want off.
It is what it is.
The good news is he says it should be pretty straight forward. The bad news is it will take a frustratingly long time.
I had a handsomely compensated hour and forty five minutes to blabber on about my stuff to him. Anyhow, I'm telling the shrink about my kink. I attributed a lack of compatibility on fetish/bdsm as one of a number of causes of the breakdown of my marriage, the loss of which has ignited a repetitively explosive amount of dread and forboding in me.
The shrink asks, "Why didn't you just find the dominant woman of your dreams and ride off into the sunset." Literal quote, I kid you not.
I told him I was ashamed. Or used to be ashamed. I told him I'd gone to a T.E.S. meeting in the early eighties to try to meet kinky people. Who is Tess he wanted to know. Took me two passes to educate him. Anyway, I had run away as people seemed kind of judgemental that I'd spent a fair amount of time with prodommes at that point. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive.
I told Meds Doc I have friends now. Kinky friends. Friends who set me up on dates. Friends who call me when they haven't heard from me. Friends who I'm sure will be concerned and upset for me about this most recent development. Wonderful, kinky, creative, real friends.
Searching for the sunset is all fine and dandy but it was not the road I took. Nothing wrong with what I did. But my choice did fracture a life into a compartmentalized secret.
My wife hurt her knee this week and I had to rescue her from our place in the country. The hospital had put a brace on her leg and I told her she looked very Helmut Newton. But this time her comments about did that turn me on and was I one of those who is turned on by quadriplegic women weren't even delivered with much venom and the bite just seemed de-fanged.
Maybe there will be a sunset ride out there yet. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying cavorting about on the open range and seeing where the trails may lead.
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