Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Road Not Taken

I was talking to the new shrink. The one that's going to help me get off the azapammy pills. It totally and completely pisses me the utter fuck off that I've become emotionally and physically dependant on prescription anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. He said the ironic thing was that I probably hadn't needed them in the first place. But now it's body chemistry to cut them back and wean me off gradually. With all the 12 step knowledge I have and the almost thirty years of sobriety from alcohol I've maintained, this just infuriates the crap out of me. Mind you, I'm not abusing, just taking what's been prescribed. But,I want off.

It is what it is.

The good news is he says it should be pretty straight forward. The bad news is it will take a frustratingly long time.

I had a handsomely compensated hour and forty five minutes to blabber on about my stuff to him. Anyhow, I'm telling the shrink about my kink. I attributed a lack of compatibility on fetish/bdsm as one of a number of causes of the breakdown of my marriage, the loss of which has ignited a repetitively explosive amount of dread and forboding in me.

The shrink asks, "Why didn't you just find the dominant woman of your dreams and ride off into the sunset." Literal quote, I kid you not.

I told him I was ashamed. Or used to be ashamed. I told him I'd gone to a T.E.S. meeting in the early eighties to try to meet kinky people. Who is Tess he wanted to know. Took me two passes to educate him. Anyway, I had run away as people seemed kind of judgemental that I'd spent a fair amount of time with prodommes at that point. I'm sure I was being overly sensitive.

I told Meds Doc I have friends now. Kinky friends. Friends who set me up on dates. Friends who call me when they haven't heard from me. Friends who I'm sure will be concerned and upset for me about this most recent development. Wonderful, kinky, creative, real friends.

Searching for the sunset is all fine and dandy but it was not the road I took. Nothing wrong with what I did. But my choice did fracture a life into a compartmentalized secret.

My wife hurt her knee this week and I had to rescue her from our place in the country. The hospital had put a brace on her leg and I told her she looked very Helmut Newton. But this time her comments about did that turn me on and was I one of those who is turned on by quadriplegic women weren't even delivered with much venom and the bite just seemed de-fanged.

Maybe there will be a sunset ride out there yet. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying cavorting about on the open range and seeing where the trails may lead.


Jeffrey said...

Gee Advo, how could you have missed such an amazingly obvious answer? Just meet the dominant woman of your dreams and call it a day?

If my shrink said that to me I'd ask him if he tells people who are struggling with depression to just cheer up. Okay, I probably wouldn't tell him that. I'd more likely tell him to go fuck himself. (No, it wouldn't be productive, but it would make me feel just a little bit better.)

We are on different paths, but similar journeys. Like you, I had some early experiences that pushed me more into isolation. Also like you, I'm now starting to make new friends who are supportive and non-judgmental about my fetishes, kinks and quirks.

And it feels pretty damned good.

It may not be clear highways ahead, but I get the sense that the really rough roads are behind us both.

Enjoy the ride, my friend.


advochasty said...

Jeffery -

My long time, kink friendly, trusted shrink said all I had to do with this guy was have a respectful, professional relationship. Slightly more intimate than what I have with my dry cleaner - but not much.

Actually, I like him and I think he'll be able to help in the very specific and limited manner I need and I'll once again become the neurotic, slightly OCD, anxious-within-reason, dude I've come to know and love.

Thanks for dropping by!!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I am going to have to side with Jeffery here and say that riding off into the sunset with the dominant woman of your dreams is a bit simplistic and not as easy as it sounds. I dated many women before I settled down with Her Majesty and that relationship has not always been smooth sailing as you know. I wish I had known about organizations like TESS when I was younger but I didn't. I used to have lots of vanilla sex back then and a bit of kinky play was more like a decadent desert than a main course.

I guess my point is that we grow and change and become more of who we are over time. Relationships have to be flexible enough to change with the people involved. And D/s roles can be rigid and inflexible. Not always easy to make that work even after having "ridden into the sunset".

IMHO seeing a pro is the easy answer. But it is only a quick fix and not a lasting solution if you seek a deeper connection with your play partner. Someone on Max recently compared going to see a pro and going to see a great movie. You get totally wrapped up in it while it's going on but when you leave the cinema life goes on as usual. I was only peripherally aware pros existed in my younger days. I was a starving musician and could never have afforded to session back then anyway. Perhaps that was a blessing...

Good luck with everything that's going on in your life including getting off those pills! ;-)

advochasty said...


There is no doubt Med Doc's comment was simplistic and lacked a true understanding as belied by his wanting to know who Tess is.

But I do think he meant well. I think it was much harder to "date kinky" when you and I were in our 20's and 30's than it is today. Doesn't mean you'll necessarily meet Mistress Right, but you'll know better where and how to look.

I'm not sure I'd agree seeing a pro is the "easy" answer. Exploration, specific skill requirements, excitement, fun, and a certain type of deep, profound, intimate, yet in-its-moment emotional closeness are all good reasons to see prodommes

The thrill of the illicit held thrall over me for years.

But hey, now I'm dating kinky. Going to a beginner's rhumba class tonight!! First date hopefully Wednesday with new possible kink girl on a set up by my fave interpreter, Senorita Kinky.

On the way back from jail (Senorita Kinky and I go to jail together) she told me she, her husband and a friend of theirs all went to Folsom Street Fair in SF. A leather domme asked her husband if he wanted to get single tailed in broad daylight right there on the street and he cringed. Ms. Kinky, always one for adventure, offered herself up and said she had the welts to prove it.

I figure any set up from her has to be cool. Back in my 20's or 30's I would never have even told anyone I was kinky and wanted only to date kinky people.

No long term relationship is easy. Besides, I'm just the Wichita Lineman these days, out there footloose and fancy free. I'm not looking to ride off into the sunset. If it happens, great - but for now I'm just in it for the ride.

Thanks for the good luck on getting off the pills. I knew that half a valium felt too good not to cause problems.

Aarkey said...

I suspect your shrink was playing with ya, because anyone who could keep your attention for 1:45 can't be a dolt - and yet, that particular question was spectacularly so.

Your post reminded me of a remark that a marriage counselor made to me when I was going through the process of watching my first marriage fall apart: "Great sex is 10% of a relationship, Bad sex is 90%"

A lack of compatibility makes that all too easy to happen.

So, when are we gonna have you down here again? We're ready! :)

Be well brother.

Whizzer said...


Tough thing you're going to have to go through...the pill reduction...that is.

Seems like you're doing just fine in the kink department. You might not be struck by a thunderbolt, but,hey, ya never know. You're out there putting yourself on the line. Keep that goin'.

As for the pills, it seems like you've got a solid approach set up. Your prior experience will help you, but don't hesitate to call out for help when needed. Lots of people here for you.

Keep hunting!



Her Majesty's Plaything said...


I stand corrected. Seeing a pro is not necessarily the "easier" solution at all as I myself discovered! Perhaps I should have said "more convenient" instead! ;-)

You sound great bro! What you have going on is all good stuff! I am going on a trip soon. I will shoot you an e-mail before I leave to catch up further on your adventures! ;-)

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Truth be told I did most of the talking. Any chance I get to yatter on about me, me, me, I take full advantage of. I may even have gotten an okay "per word" rate for the price I paid for this.

I think I had lots of sexual compatibility with my wife, but it just gave way and changed. I changed and she didn't change with me.

I'll be down soon enough. The chilly winds are starting up here so Miami Vice beckons.

advochasty said...

Whizzer -

Thanks for the words of support. It will be fine. I was just upset with myself that I let it happen. But truth be told, as much as I believe in drink and drug free sobriety, I maybe need a bit of a medically supervised mother's little helper to get me over the hump.

On the other hand, hunting's good!! I'm having lots of fun!!

advochasty said...


A pro is not a girlfriend, spouse, or even an emotionally connected fuck buddy. For me, the relationship was something entirely different. It was a client/prodomme relationship. And each one I had was different.

It exists on its own positive plane if it is approached responsibily by both client and domme.

Great catching up and have a fun trip!!