Sunday, February 26, 2012

Do You Have The Time To Listen To Me Whine?

I feel particularly disconnected from my kink. Granted I'm busy: caring for ill, separated-yet-undivorced wife; running a business in two cities; dealing with trying financial realities; recognizing I'm not ready to meet Mistress Right. But for the first time in a long time I feel cut off and sort of lost. Even fantasy eludes me. Why can't I just sexualize all this stress? I used to do that all the time and it made difficult times so much more fun.

I went out on two semi-kinky dates the other week and wasn't even inspired to write about them. Desire suppressed infects my creative juice to write about exploits, such that they were. Maybe it's just coming to terms with the idea that if I like her well enough to play, then it's a "relationship". That connection will vie for the time I have to spend with my terminally ill wife. While I feel no need to tell her I'm still going on dates, I'd feel compelled to tell her if I found someone I really liked.

And that would really devastate my wife, even if I were clear that she came first. I've already ended or cut short more than one promising connection over just not knowing how to deal with the knot.

It's ironic that I feel more protective of my marriage in separation than I did when we lived together. Funny what a terminal diagnosis does.

It's pretty clear I'm going to have to move back in with her. Even getting dressed is an exhausting event for her. I dread it, but it is the right thing to do.

With all this going on, no wonder I'm feeling less than libidinous. Perhaps I should expand my on-line dating profile. I'm an attractive, athletic, man; anxious, lacking in libido, and virtually unavailable. No wonder I'm feeling disconnected. Who wouldn't?


Her Majesty's Plaything said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I think your last two words pretty much sum it up. Who wouldn't indeed? You are under a lot of stress and the kind of situations you are presently dealing with would not be an aphrodisiac for anyone.

Quite apart from the terminal diagnosis (which must be pretty all consuming) there are also the effects of aging to consider. I have found that as I age sex is not as important to me as it once was. Since puberty my sexual desire has been a raging all consuming fire. Now I am at a point where I can actually admit that it is not he most important thing in the world. It's a bit like recovering from temporary insanity.

You have an awful lot on your plate my friend. You are being a total mensch. Your actions are spectacularly unselfish. What little advice I have to offer is just be good to yourself and go easy as much as possible. That is a lesson I still struggle with sometimes myself.

I will always have the time to listen to you whine my friend and "Basket Case" is a totally kick ass song! :-)

Miss Margo said...

Dear Advo: Whine away. Frankly, I do not think that discussing the difficult (if you will permit me the euphemism) situations/conditions in your life constitutes "whining."

You have every right to feel hurt, confused, morose, helpless, angry, and whatever else you are feeling (hope I'm not assuming anything about you here). It's not whining.

The world is full of assholes with huge entitlement problems who yell at the hapless cab driver for being stuck in a traffic jam, and you don't wanna whine that your wife is dying and your libido is suffering. and I REALIZE that title is partially facetious, okay.

I'll contribute more to this post later--I really want to--but right now I'm exhausted and not at my best.

If you were a whiner, I wouldn't have read two posts on your blog.

Let's eat tacos again sometime soon.

Aarkey said...

1) Not bored at all.

2) You're doing the right thing, and yes - it is "funny" how a terminal illness changes everything.

3) There will be time enough for kink. I keep telling myself that too. I know you know, I know.

Ya know?

See ya soon my friend.

advochasty said...


I like that Green Day tune too!

Truth be told there's a tremendous amount in this whole process for me. It's all shifting and changing. Sometimes I feel like I can just ride the wave and sometimes I feel half drowned and exhausted.

Glad though that you'll listen to my whimimgs!

advochasty said...

Margo -

It's fun how you totally get it!

Tacos! Yes, more tacos!

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Ya! I totally know.

Really looking forward to seeing you guys!

Miss Margo said...


Comparing back-and-forth posts and comments on our blogs.

Yeah, we definitely share at least one "issue" or two, if you know what I mean. "SORRY FOR DISCUSSING MY EMOTIONAL TURMOIL ON MY PERSONAL BLOG!"

Hilarious. But, as I mentioned in my last comment, it's better than being a self-absorbed, insensitive asshat.

Tell you what: if you're ever in doubt, I'll stand up for you and you can stand up for me.

Re: moving back in with your wife to help care for her...I do not envy you, but I do admire you for your commitment and your sense of honor. These are, in my experience, uncommon virtues, and you should be acknowledged for cultivating them (I, personally, do not believe that the higher virtues are intrinsic).

Hope this post makes sense.

advochasty said...

Margo -

It's a deal. I'm a stand-up guy.

Honor is important. Thanks for the encouraging words!