Fast Away

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I've always hated the holiday. Nothing like enforced merriment. But the week between Christmas and New Year's is a whole other thing. This year I was struggling with bad bronchitis, but usually the week bursts with erotic portent. The deliciously possible year end fling is ever elusive, but for that one week its promise dangles like ripened fruit pleading for plucking before it drops to the ground; bruised, bashed, and broken.

It was a year. Another year. For the first time since the recession began my work profits were respectable. I left life as a kinky single man about town and committed to care giving for my dying wife. While my personal life has become something of a shrunken and muted fugue, I find the experience of helping my wife to be sustaining and profound.

I asked her the other day why she thought I was so good at it and without missing a beat she said it was because I was "into S&M". She thought I was erotically driven to serve and help for her has tapped into that motivation. It is so ironic that what drove us to separate has provided the glue to our current relationship. It's so not sexy, but I get a deep satsfaction from my efforts.

So with my personal work star on the rise, her life is in a continuous downward spiral. Two opposite arcs with no chance of a future meeting. I sometimes have fleeting glimpses of future fantasy. But for now I look forward in a most bittersweet way to the coming of a new year and my continued life in the moment.

Date Site D/s

In these days of work and giving care I have little time for kink, dating, or even time to daydream and fantasize about meeting Mistress Right. Life feels like one massive to do list that I'm always falling far, far behind on. But somehow I manage to stumble on and get things accomplished.

But I still have my on-line dating profile up. I've actually updated it to let visitors know I'm taking care of my wife. I've also actually come out and said outright that I'm a kinky, submissive guy looking for the perfect dommy girl next door. Not that I'm going to get any takers, but I check from time to time and do searches for fun.

And so it was that I went on the site a couple of weeks ago and did a search for the personality trait of kinkiness. The site has loads of questions to answer and it catagorizes responses to come up with a personality profile. It rates characteristics like aggressiveness, coolness, wealth, physical activity, and conventional morality as against a norm of other site users. The profile is displayed as a bar graph ranking you as either more or less pronounced than the average. Among the character traits is kinkiness. Their kinky sex questions are general but not too bad. Some of the questions are ridiculous but what do you expect.

Anyway I did my search and started looking at the results. The "Girlfriend Store" spit back many usual suspects who I'd checked out many times before. Then, there was Mistress Alex! And we were a 99% match! I've only met her once at a kinky literary soiree evening at Glint and liked her very much. Who am I kidding? I thought she was incredibly hot, smart, and sexy. I loved it that she actually came up to me and said she liked my writing. I'll do anything for anyone who likes my writing!

I immediately looked at how we matched on the sex questions as the site allows that sort of filter. After so many disappointing "fits" our answers to kinky sex questions matched almost perfectly.

"Would you like to have your partner strap on a dildo and put it inside you"

She No - Me Yes

"Preferred Position?"

She Top - Me Bottom

"Would you consider a relationship as master or slave?"

She Yes, as master - Me Yes, as slave.

And after so many comparasions that didn't fit it was such a refreshing experience to see a real match. I sent her a nice note saying I liked her profile and hoped she was having fun. She sent a quick thank you. So even though it's not going to be spontaneous combustion I am grateful to Alex for answering a massive number of date site questions to allow me to see how a real match connection with a dominant woman would work.

After I was done with my little comparasion the site offers an Amazon.com like service akin to "if you liked Alex, you'll like these women as well". I checked down the list and there was Mistress Veronica! Maybe we'll take over this date site after all!

Have A Heart

Yesterday I took my wife to the movies. We saw the excellent new Bond, Skyfall. She went in her wheelchair for the first time. It was an adventure, but really quite easy. The chair, with some strategic alteration, could be Bond hardware it's so high-tech. Cost more than my 2009 Subaru Forester. Yes, I know it's a lesbian car and I'm its very proud owner.

Anyway we made it to the theater way more quickly than we would have if she had used her walker. Just last weekend she almost fell in the street as she rolled over an uneven manhole cover. I was able to grab her just in time before she hit concrete. Nothing like being credited with savior status. We took the elevator up to the IMAX and just as we were about to get off the movie attendant who just happened to be there stopped us and said we could go up to the wheelchair access level. We got to be the first ones in the theater.

Great to have a spare chair to pile coats on and sitting in the back row at the huge screen was perfect. When the movie ended we just waited for the crowd to drain and took the elevator to street level and came home.

I wish all of this process was as easy and fun as seeing Daniel Craig Bond about.

Indeed, the whole process shrinks life, both hers and mine. I work and caregive. While I console myself that it is time limited, the limit is the remaining lifetime of someone I love so it feels like the ultimate predicament. I spent the morning looking at profiles on FetLife. I've tried following some posts and commenting there but I find it difficult to make a connection.

Oh well, it's a sunny mild day after Frankenstorm hammered us and then the cold slapped us for good measure. I'll take a walk and dream of better days past and brighter days future.

So, Am I Really And Truly A Lifestyle Kinkster - Redux

I started this post earlier today and accidentally hit the "Publish" button before it was finished. I instantly deleted it so I'm starting all over. Such a techno-wizard, though I'm still getting used to composing my posts on my iPad. That's my whiny excuse and I'm stickin' to it!

Aarkey has a great post about looking for a domme. Perhaps I'd more accurately describe his message as readying yourself for Mistress Right rather than specifically searching for her, finding her, and winning her. For me, his post fed an on-going internal debate I've been having over whether or not I'm really a lifestyle submissive or something else. While there is no "one size fits all" in any kind of relationship, the hallmarks of a D/s relationship lived in lifestyle fashion have recently given me pause. I know for sure I'm not a slave. I'd be constantly bridling at the complete lack of say. I always want a respected and valued participatory voice.

That said, I do think it is quite possible for me to meet a dominant woman who is a top in the sheets as well as in the streets, but who views me as a loving and equal partner in life. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility to always run the show. I'd feel protective of her and would want to contribute to and be supportive of any decision making process. I'd want to be heard and respected. Truth be told in all three long term relationships I've had, the women ran the show. There just wasn't a bdsm base to the coupling.

In the scene dating that I've done I've always done the asking. I've viewed it as offering myself for consideration. My dates never seemed to mind and I felt chivalrous and avant by taking the first step. With the limited time I have I just can't afford the commitment to "community service" that would put me on dommy radar screens. I've really liked the process of looking. I try not to take it seriously and have come to believe that it's enjoying the ride that counts. And if I like the scenery and the adventure, I'm not bound to the result. If it happens great. If not then I'm having a good time.

In the end, with all my monkey brain whirling about could I really ever measure up as a true lifestyle submissive in a Female Led Relationship, it's all about the chemistry. If we set fire to the rain I'll do anything for her.