The Mahwah Kiss

No, I'm not talkin' about the town in New Jersey... Jersey gets enough of a bad rap as it is. I'm talkin' about the kiss where she either air kisses ya or kisses your cheek and then makes a sound. A sound like the town in Jersey. A sound that probably should be phonetically spelled like "mmmooooowah". You know the kiss. I really hate that kiss.

I had dinner last night with a very hot vanilla woman friend of mine in an effort to put myself in harm's way. Now I value this woman's friendship immensely. She's single, attractive, smart, and extremely flirtatious. Ultimately, however, she is safe as she is on a mission to marry and procreate. She is completely uninterested in scenic detours with kinky married men in sexless unions who for some mysterious reason are being drawn like butter to vanilla sex.

So last night we had a late dinner and I walked her home. At the corner, dressed in jeans and a light jacket, she shivered and complained about how quickly autumn had arrived. In a completely selfless and chivalrous show of gentlemanly concern I put my arms around her and drew her close, rubbing her shoulders to create a little heat. We walked arm in arm to her door and said goodnight. But then she double kissed my cheeks ending with the dreaded "mmmmoooowah kiss" or "Mahwah Kiss" as I like to think of it. Now, I'm sure it's wise that I don't further complicate my already complicated life by weaseling my way into a little vanilla nookie with my otherwise valued friend. But to give me the goddamn Mahwah Kiss ... I mean the mayor of Mahwah actually committed suicide ... I wonder if it was over a Mahwah Kiss? Take me home to kinkland ... this vanilla stuff is way too hard.

Oh well ... I guess from now on I'm just gonna have to steal my kisses.