Yesterday my wife and I had a bunch of friends over for Christmas. We had a wonderful day even in the dire straits of our time. As we prepped for guests I was assigned the task of ironing the massive, badly wrinkled red tablecloth which was to go on the holiday table. Now I don't do much ironing but in the spirit of the season and fancying myself an undercover, clandestine, service subbie, I plunged ahead with my task. As I struggled with fitting the awkward fabric on the board, applying enough pressure to the iron to get it smooth but not burn it and taking care not to re-wrinkle the ironed part, I reflected on submissive service for service's sake.
Now, in my vanilla-marriage I try (and sometimes succeed) to do my fair share of chores. Plus, I make all the money. But left to my own devices, I probably would not iron table cloths. It is, however, important to my wife, so in I pitched. I've written about the motivation for service on the Max Board and I got some really interesting responses. I think service for its own sake is a rare species. I, for one, often need either approval or appreciation, or dommy gaming. Yesterday, I got neither.
When I was almost done grunting and sweating away on smoothing the yuletide table topper, my wife came by and criticized my effort. Sometimes I have a thick skin but often I just do not take disapproval well. I long to please. But she was not pleased. So ... in a huff, I re-did the whole damn thing. She gave me some lavender ironing water and I re-grunted and re-sweated from tip to tail.
Meanwhile, in my perverted mind I pictured myself in nothing but a frilly apron and heels, wearing a CB-3000 and being told to redo the table cloth or else I'd wait until New Year's for my holiday money shot. Now, I'm pretty sure that even in a lifestyle D/s relationship couples don't always power exchange loading the dishwasher. But yesterday I longed for someone who at least got that I crave domination - happily wrapped around her little finger for her service and corrective pleasure.
But I decided to just suck it up. The New Year will bring enough opportunity for new kink journeys. Besides, Christmas ain't the time for breakin' each other's hearts.
A Munch Guide
5 years ago
8 comments:
This is something that has always fascinated me. When I was working as a pro-domme, and later, when I was looking for a personal houseboy, I was convinced that some of the men who came begging for the opportunity to sever me would not do half of what I ask for their wives. I had these little scenarios playing in the back of my head as I watched a mostly naked man clean my dungeon or crawl across the room with my coffee of him refusing to take out the trash at his wife's request. I never understood what makes me different -- still don't.
At least part of what I think makes the dynamic different is the thought that I'll get something in return from the domme I'm serving. Just practically I think there's often a kinky quid pro quo, particularly in pro domme/client scenes.
It's the selflessness of service that I think is rare. Although, as I reflect on the profound changes this year has brought to me in my kink attitude, I find that my "submissiveness" pervades the entire fabric of my life. That's why I liked the tablecloth image. To be acknowledged in service completes me in an important fashion.
And acknowledgement doesn't necessarily have to be running that manicured finger along the choke chain of a wicked set of clover nipple clamps ... fun though that might be!! ;-P
That's the trouble with "stealth submission". It doesn't work very well. In order to submit and have it mean something the one you serve must acknowledge your service. Ideally she should actively participate in dominating you in some way, whether it is a pat on the ass to show her appreciation or a punishment for not performing the task to her exacting standards. Her simple recognition that you are doing the task because you are her submissive and wish to make her happy is often reward enough. But service oriented submission to someone who has no idea you are submitting at all has very little to recommend it!
"Somebody throw me a frickin bone here!" - Dr. Evil ;-)
HMP
HMP -
Ya! My kingdom for a friggin' bone! Simple recognition that I serve to please is so basic. I want to be less stealthy in '09. Unfortunately, something has to give in my marriage for that to happen. But like Joey says, it's Christmas and I don't want to fight tonight.
Advo, wow do I hear ya. Granted I don't make all the $$, and I don't have a red table cloth to iron (and I give you my oath that I never will...) but I sure know how that feels.
It's ok to tell your wife/lover/mistress even... that you feel discounted, ignored, or just plain ole hurt.
It's amazing to me how far I go in my head and heart to feel like I am a good man. That I'm helpful, generous, kind... thoughtful. I think there are so many of us that are that way.
And yes I too like to be acknowledged. I need it at some point. Service for service sake doesn't work for me. I try, but it simply does not.
As to Alisa's question - I have to agree with Advo's response. There is a quid pro quo. There also is a totally different mindset. An hour or two of "session" service for a pro-domme is usually a very different experience than an hour or two of getting the house ready for an X-mas dinner by ironing. At least in my world it is.
And like HMP's problems with "stealth submission" - I see it as the same as what I sometimes refer to as "absent domination." Though I guess my term sounds more accusatory.
*shrug*
You know, Aarkey, I like the idea of administering a "no-red-table-cloth-to-iron" oath. Or a "if-I-have-to-promise-me-domme-games" oath. I'm always left feeling that I should just suck it up and pull my weight. But wouldn't it be nice of we could game the chores.
I've got to imagine even in a long term lifestyle D/s relationship, sometimes ironing a red table cloth is just a chore, kinda boring (but oddly contemplative) drudgery.
Being a good man, or at least trying hard to be, is very important to me. It's a fundemental quality which draws me to others. Such as yourself!
Happy New Year, man! All the best!!
I'm totally late for the party here, but this was a thought-provoking post and I wanted to comment.
Full disclosure: I have been in a few long-term monogamous relationships in my life, but I have never cohabitated with a man.
I think that one of the things that makes D/s relationships challenging over the long term is that it becomes very difficult to "suspend disbelief," if you will, about a partner you are so intimate with. A lot of D/s relies on elaborate, deeply personal fantasy. The less you know about a person, the easier it is for you to project your fantasy on them, and believe it--kinda like what the psychoanalysts call projection or transference. The is one thing that makes illicit affairs and sessions with prodommes (and I am NOT equating them, or saying that either one is good or bad) so tremendously exciting: the mystery facilitates the fantasy. Domesticity is at odds with eroticism, IMHO. (of course, it has many other things to recommend it).
Life gets in the way.
I, myself, have dealt with another issue related to this: not wanting to tell a vanilla boyfriend about my sadomasochism. Not because I feared being rejected (he was pretty open-minded and he really liked me) and not because I was worried that he wouldn't want to do any of that stuff to make me happy sexually (I thought that he probably would have given it a shot, as long as I didn't ask for any 'scary stuff.').
I did not want to tell him because I was worried that in introducing it, I would lessen its potency and hold on my psyche. And it gave me such pleasure--even just thinking about it, when I wasn't acting it out!--that I didn't want to risk that. I didn't want to make it boring. It was too important to me.
I've met a lot of men who've come to the Studios I've worked at, and I think that SOME of them hide their kinks from their wives and SOs for just this reason: sharing it would diminish its power (or at least, that's what they fear).
Hmmm...this is definitely worthy of a blog post.
P.S. One trick I have found useful to introduce D/s into service chores is to put the chores onto a "sub to-do list." Like a chore list for kids. The sub can do them without supervision--maybe text message updates or something. Then, at the end of the day or afternoon, there is INSPECTION TIME!!! Get out the white gloves! Demerits or rewards accordingly. This way, the sub has something to look forward to and the domme can get her stuff done without worrying about being dommely all day.
P.P.S. Of course there is a quid-pro-quo in seeing a domme, you guys. Are you out of your minds? Dommes sell service. A very rarefied service, but that is what it is. Any domme who doesn't listen to what her clients want or need will not be successful as a pro. I see it all the time: "These slaves are here for me! We'll do whatever I want to do!" yeah, right.
And FYI, I think paying clients are ENTITLED to get the sort of session they want, as long as it does not infringe upon the domme's boundaries. Domination ain't cheap. I'm not saying it's like "Burger King--get it your way!" but really, if a man forks out $300, the domme should try to make sure that he has the experience that he wants to have.
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