Friday, March 6, 2009

These Open Doors

I'm really feeling pretty confused tonight. Bewildered, sad, disappointed. "She-Who-Visits" is visiting and we really seem to be on the outs. Since Valentine's Day and my premature report that I was out of the Doghouse, she's been sort of mean and distant. So I wrote her and said she seemed to still be upset with me and I just didn't get why. I figured rather than either get angry or really grovel and beg for attention, I'd say that it felt bad to be ignored and that I thought she was treating me unkindly. So a week ago I wrote a heartfelt letter.

During the past week she'd made it clear that it was unlikely we'd be seeing each other much because she was here to see her parents. I totally understand this, but it's always easier to hear bad news if it's delivered with a pinch of sugar. Something like, "I really miss you and I really want to see you but ..." would do the trick. I know that's very "undommy". But it would do wonders. I'd be sad but I'd understand. She said she'd be unlikely to come to the city to play. But she'd keep me posted. Her family may drive her crazy and she might have to get out of the house. So she'd settle for me is what I hear. This is not so reassuring.

I've become adept at reading her. But there just comes a point when it's her issue - not mine. Apparently she was working incredibly long hours, a fact she never shared. A week after I sent her my heartfelt "friends don't treat friends this way" email, she wrote back this morning seven hours before she was to fly up here. She really reamed me out for "creating drama". She said she had not been upset with me before but now she is really mad at me. She left me a voice mail calling me an ass.

My friend Crimson, with whom I've shared my travails, wisely told me everyone in any sort of bdsm relationship should have a card they always keep with them. On one side reads - "submissives aren't emotional punching bags". On the other side is written "dominants aren't psychic and aren't made of steel". My therapist was likening my relationship with "She Who Visits" to a situation where a patient falls for their shrink. She said most of those relationships never work out. Assuming nothing unethical, at some point the former patient realizes that the former shrink is messed up like everyone else. The former shrink realizes that his former patient isn't in awe of him anymore. At that point the real relationship starts.

I think I have all these emotional skills and insights but nothing seems to be working. Not my marriage, not my "grey-area-semi-lifestyle-bdsm" thing - nothing. I suppose I just don't get women. Although I suppose that's nothing new. Tonight just totally sucks. I'm in a sexless marriage with my wife and the woman I love to have bdsm sex with thinks I'm an ass. This is not fun.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hey Advo:

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I should probably e-mail you instead of replying publicly but I think perhaps I will do both.

I feel for you because the emotional place you describe is so familiar to me. I LOVE the card from Mistress Crimson; - "submissives aren't emotional punching bags". On the other side is written "dominants aren't psychic and aren't made of steel".

What your shrink said is also dead on target; "My therapist was likening my relationship with "She Who Visits" to a situation where a patient falls for their shrink". This is exactly what happened to me. I think there is a lot of transference that goes on in a relationship with a ProDomme and the dynamics are incredibly similar to that of a therapist/patient where the patient "falls in love" with his therapist. I know She Who Visits is not exactly in a paid relationship with you right now but she was a pro and you were her client at one time so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that your current gray area situation is still pretty similar. In a way it's worse because you don't have the security afforded most paying clients which is a pretty good chance that she will agree to see you if you call and make an appointment as long as you bring the cash. There is a fundamental imbalance in these relationships and she is holding all the cards.

That said its not just these women who are complicated. We are complicated. When I say "we" I mean submissive men. We are complicated psychologically and emotionally. Life for us is about 100 times more complicated than it would be for a vanilla guy. That's why so many of us end up in "relationships" that are really professional arrangements. What we are looking for is incredibly hard to find or even to understand.

I'll drop you an e-mail.



advochasty said...

Thanks. I like your observation about us submissive men being complicated. I feel like an emotional Rube Goldberg machine. I actually think it has little to do with kink and alot to do with people being people. Although there's lots of emotional static, I feel right and healthy for telling her how I feel. I actually don't think she holds all the cards, I just need the honesty and courage to play mine and let the chips fall where they may.

Things will work out. Maybe not the way I'd like 'em to, but they'll for sure work out. Thanks for the email. A little google chat perhaps. :-)

Marc said...

Hi advo,

I'd echo everything hmp said, especially about the tendency of confirmed submissive guys to gravitate to relationship with pros and that life is complicated on BOTH sides of the whip.

Relating to pros starts off with a paying relationship as a client. First impressions are truly lasting impressions here as the initial boundaries are set up that way. It's not a personal relationship from the get go. (Wait--let's repeat that to ourselves now.)

But it's an intimate one, in so many ways. As the emotional connections build over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the initial boundaries. From my experience, this seems harder for the client (especially an "ex-client") and that makes it appear even more of a one-sided relationship weighted in the domme's favor. But I've also noticed it gets more complicated from the domme's POV. And if other time or energy commitments in her life press on her, she may doubly resent having to manage her expectations/boundaries with you.

In a vanilla relationship, we would expect more open discussion and either answers to our questions or the right to at least ask the questions. A relationship with a pro lacks those opportunities unless she initiates them (not too likely if its an ongoing pro relationship). So kinky relationships with pros have a big fat extra layer of "don't ask, don't tell" obviously not related to being gay or not:)


advochasty said...

Hey marcj,

Generally, I completely agree with what you guys are saying. But she and I have worked through stuff before. I'm feeling needy and I expressed myself. She's stressed and got upset. We've got the overlay of the initial relationship, but much has developed and changed over time. Maybe she needs distance. That's okay.

My thing with her is not "traditional" in any sense of the word. I can only let her know where I am, try and understand where she is and trust that our bond is strong enough to let us continue being a part of each other's lives.

It's frustrating, but I feel good. She definitely cares as much about me as I care about her. I just work harder at it and wear it on my sleeve. She's in stealth mode.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, bro!

advochasty said...

Thanks, man!! Isn't there some sort of obscure civil procedural rule you could suggest? A motion to compell affectionate humiliation? A motion to arrest actually being a meany?

Whizzer said...


I'm not around as much these days as I would like to be, but I will always check in to see what you're up to.

Thought this little ditty might be of some assistance in helping you understand your current situation:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural res
ources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong,
and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

It's never easy. Hang in.


advochasty said...

I'll take four lanes - but with my luck it'll all be on-coming traffic!! Love the story! Thanks for dropping by!!