I'm really feeling pretty confused tonight. Bewildered, sad, disappointed. "She-Who-Visits" is visiting and we really seem to be on the outs. Since Valentine's Day and my premature report that I was out of the Doghouse, she's been sort of mean and distant. So I wrote her and said she seemed to still be upset with me and I just didn't get why. I figured rather than either get angry or really grovel and beg for attention, I'd say that it felt bad to be ignored and that I thought she was treating me unkindly. So a week ago I wrote a heartfelt letter.
During the past week she'd made it clear that it was unlikely we'd be seeing each other much because she was here to see her parents. I totally understand this, but it's always easier to hear bad news if it's delivered with a pinch of sugar. Something like, "I really miss you and I really want to see you but ..." would do the trick. I know that's very "undommy". But it would do wonders. I'd be sad but I'd understand. She said she'd be unlikely to come to the city to play. But she'd keep me posted. Her family may drive her crazy and she might have to get out of the house. So she'd settle for me is what I hear. This is not so reassuring.
I've become adept at reading her. But there just comes a point when it's her issue - not mine. Apparently she was working incredibly long hours, a fact she never shared. A week after I sent her my heartfelt "friends don't treat friends this way" email, she wrote back this morning seven hours before she was to fly up here. She really reamed me out for "creating drama". She said she had not been upset with me before but now she is really mad at me. She left me a voice mail calling me an ass.
My friend Crimson, with whom I've shared my travails, wisely told me everyone in any sort of bdsm relationship should have a card they always keep with them. On one side reads - "submissives aren't emotional punching bags". On the other side is written "dominants aren't psychic and aren't made of steel". My therapist was likening my relationship with "She Who Visits" to a situation where a patient falls for their shrink. She said most of those relationships never work out. Assuming nothing unethical, at some point the former patient realizes that the former shrink is messed up like everyone else. The former shrink realizes that his former patient isn't in awe of him anymore. At that point the real relationship starts.
I think I have all these emotional skills and insights but nothing seems to be working. Not my marriage, not my "grey-area-semi-lifestyle-bdsm" thing - nothing. I suppose I just don't get women. Although I suppose that's nothing new. Tonight just totally sucks. I'm in a sexless marriage with my wife and the woman I love to have bdsm sex with thinks I'm an ass. This is not fun.
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