Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ebb and Flow

Sadly, She-Who-Visits and I have decided to postpone our much anticipated jaunt. While I'm disappointed to say the least, I'm oddly taking the whole thing in stride. When last we left our intrepid, daring, handsome, submissive hero he was eagerly scurrying about at his dominant's behest checking flight schedules, rental cars (no convertibles, drat), idyllic beachside inns, and even the average air and water temperatures of our destination. I was a happy, happy subbie. I was directed to put a hold on her flight from there to here for 24 hours, was told to renew the hold a day later, and then stunningly, She just dropped off the face of the earth. Total MIA.

Even though it was She who was supposed to let me know if she'd cleared it with her husband and gotten coverage at work - breathtakingly - she surfaced almost six days later and asked, "What's the status of our trip? It dropped off my radar." After I picked my jaw up off the floor, rinsed it off and replaced it on my face, I somehow politely responded that she was the one who was supposed to get back to me and if she still wanted to go there was whole lotta work to do to make it happen.

She loves to mock me when I go on and on. This time, it was her own trademark expression - "blah-blah-blah" - which captured the essence of her very lame explanation as to her ambivalance. The fact of the matter is that it is me, not our trip, which is way off her radar right now. Once she'd gone on about the reasons why she was hesitant (they might move, might not, new job, dog ate her homework) she said, "Why don't you check everything again, see if the prices have changed and get back to me."

Now I love a nice orange crunchy carrot dangling all nice and tantalizingly from a stick - preferably a stick she'll beat me with as I eat the carrot off the floor at her feet. But I knows me some ambivalance when I sees me some. So I suggested we postpone and she readily accepted.

Things change. I am not in her life these days in the same way. When I made my plea to be hers at the end of last summer, in so many ways I didn't really know what I was asking. But she knew. In the five months after I "proposed" she made me the happiest subbie I've ever been - and it was all long distance. I felt our strong bond on a daily basis. In February, it just stopped. There are lots of reasons on her end. All understandable and legitimate. While it doesn't help my feeling of lonliness, in the end, I believe that if I just give her space, she'll cycle back around. No more chasing. No more letters with question marks at the end of sentences. I'll find a voice without request for return. Asking will lead only to disappointment.

On the bright side, I told my kinky work friend about my blog and she read it. She called me "deep and poetic". Little does she know, huh? It was the first time I've told someone in my "vanilla" life about my advochasty musings. She seemed to genuinely like my writing and said she took the stuff about her as a compliment. I told her it was meant as truly high praise and she was an early inspiration to be more out with my kink. I'm really glad I have her to talk to ... and flirt with!

So there's an ebb and flow to the current of my life right now. Through the crests and troughs I know my course is true. So what if the tide is high ... I'm not the kinda girl who gives up just like that ... oh nooooooo.

8 comments:

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

I am really sorry to hear things didn't work out with She. Your disappointment in this post was palpable though you put a brave face on it. Still I absolutely think you did all the right things and made all the right decisions. I think you went down that road as far as you could go. And yes there comes a time when you have to let go as I know all too well.

That kind of hot/cold, on again off again thing drives me absolutely insane. I could never have managed to put up with it as long as you did. I think you are very wise to let her go her own way. Nothing against her. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult, almost impossible to manage for any length of time. I have tried to make them work in the past but in the end they always dissolved.

So now you are once again a "free agent". I truly believe you will find someone who will make you happy. You are a sweet, romantic and sensitive guy after all and I think there are many dominant ladies out there who would simply love to just gobble you up! ;-)

All The Best

hmp

advochasty said...

HMP -

Don't get me wrong. She and I have been down this ebb/flow road together before. I'm all about adjusting to reality. If I want her in my life, there is no sense asking her to be someone she is not. It's her serve.

That said...gobble away ladies...gobble away!!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

You have the patience of a saint my friend! Ladies? Soups on!!!! ;-)

advochasty said...

Maybe I'll get my turkey stuffed!! ;-P

slave2Catwoman said...

If your She is who I think She is, your poetic longing for her is quite understandable. In pictures, she is fantastic. In person, she has got to be irresistible. I hope it works out.

advochasty said...

S2CW -

Thanks so much for the encouraging words. She and I have a very strong bond. There's no forcing this stuff. If she runs hot and cold that's her. I need to adjust or walk away. There's a fine line between an unhealthy pining for something completely unrequited and adjusting to the actual realities of her life. I know enough about what's going on with her that I believe it should be me who adjusts.

I'm a submissive, I thrive on adjusting to my domme! :-)

Thanks for the comment.

O.K. said...

Hey Advo
(long time reader, first time poster)
Your work friend is right - your writing is excellent. Really.
I had a similar experience not too long ago and reading your words brought the feelings back. Oh the angst! The longings for taking a bite out of that huge, juicy carrot of submission - they all came back.

Thanks man!
Hang in there - things have ways of working themselves out.

advochasty said...

OK -

Thanks so much for the response and the kind words. The tease and denial of the carrot and stick is so much at the heart of what floats my boat about submission to a domme.

But there's this line past which I feel uncomfortable going if she's not giving in return. It's a line I know when I see it and it's definitely changed over the years and over my relationship with She.

That carrrot do taste good though ... eh ... what's up doc??

Thanks again and all the best!!