I'm told this startling visitation by my long departed mother will end at the anniversary of her death which thankfully is next week. I can't wait!! In so many recent interactions, I've experienced over and over again the facination and terror I have for the wrath of a mean girl. I hunger after it and fear it at the same time. From sexualizing humiliation to eroticizing pain, I'm a text book case. The submissive eldest son of an insecure, abusive, dominant mother.
The wife wants to stay in our beautiful coop while I'm eating refried beans and living out in Queens. "She-Who-Visits" says the flowers I sent were vig - a bribe bestowed to get a phone call. A key employee, dommy girl type, tells a new job she can leave me anytime at the drop of a hat. Variations on the same theme. Oh Advo, Mom's here!! Do I crave true cruelty from my mean girls - or do I yearn for something more?
Once I wanted destructive denegration. But I'm a changed bottom. Somewhere in this emotional murk there's a strong, shining, chain-link between my need for romance and my submissive masochism. I want her to love me. I need her to realize that my need to be hurt and humiliated completes her sadism and her own need to humble another. She cherishes that connection and nurtures it. She cares for me in the process as I care for her. Together we silence our demons and are redeemed.
In so many ways, I've lived my life as a broke down, damaged, one-trick pony. While I've figured out ways to befriend my damage and find a positive identity there, I still feel all outside looking in. But there's honor and inspiration in my search for connection. Maybe I'm a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and weeds; maybe I'm a one-legged dog making my way on down the street. Maybe I'm a one trick pony in a field so happy and free - but I'm getting to know that I'm just me.
Prostate - Milking vs Orgasm
1 year ago