Saturday, May 30, 2009

A One Trick Pony and His Beloved Mean Girls

I'm told this startling visitation by my long departed mother will end at the anniversary of her death which thankfully is next week. I can't wait!! In so many recent interactions, I've experienced over and over again the facination and terror I have for the wrath of a mean girl. I hunger after it and fear it at the same time. From sexualizing humiliation to eroticizing pain, I'm a text book case. The submissive eldest son of an insecure, abusive, dominant mother.

The wife wants to stay in our beautiful coop while I'm eating refried beans and living out in Queens. "She-Who-Visits" says the flowers I sent were vig - a bribe bestowed to get a phone call. A key employee, dommy girl type, tells a new job she can leave me anytime at the drop of a hat. Variations on the same theme. Oh Advo, Mom's here!! Do I crave true cruelty from my mean girls - or do I yearn for something more?

Once I wanted destructive denegration. But I'm a changed bottom. Somewhere in this emotional murk there's a strong, shining, chain-link between my need for romance and my submissive masochism. I want her to love me. I need her to realize that my need to be hurt and humiliated completes her sadism and her own need to humble another. She cherishes that connection and nurtures it. She cares for me in the process as I care for her. Together we silence our demons and are redeemed.

In so many ways, I've lived my life as a broke down, damaged, one-trick pony. While I've figured out ways to befriend my damage and find a positive identity there, I still feel all outside looking in. But there's honor and inspiration in my search for connection. Maybe I'm a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and weeds; maybe I'm a one-legged dog making my way on down the street. Maybe I'm a one trick pony in a field so happy and free - but I'm getting to know that I'm just me.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

"Somewhere in this emotional murk there's a strong, shining link between my need for romance and my submissive masochism."

Hi Advo:

This quote pretty much says it all. It has always been like that for me. That makes me much better suited to playing with a lover than to being a client. I can't leave my heart out of the equation. For me submission is the very essence of romance. She who wields the whip holds my heart in the palm of her hand.


advochasty said...

I just keep getting that connection affirmed and reaffirmed. It's been awhile since I've played and a pro session would be great. It's the true romance aspect that would have to get circumscribed. I couldn't help but create it or miss it.

Ally said...

Dear AdvoChasty,

After taking a scan through your entries (I cannot help myself, the voyeur and the writer are troublesome aspects of my psyche.) I have come to the conclusion you are far from a 'broken down one trick pony'; for to be such infers a lack of depth.

You're not a puddle, dear stranger, but perhaps an ocean.

Hopefully, you'll find your shore.

Best Wishes,

advochasty said...


Thanks for the nice thoughts.

The "you're a puddle" voice in my head is substantially diminished. It's recent unfurling was occasioned by the unexpected docking of departed spirits.

To my relief, these phantom privateers seem to be laying on provisions to set sail.

Hopefully on other oceans than mine.

Thanks for dropping by. Don't be no stranger now. :-)