Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bend With The Breeze

She-Who-Visits is supposed to let me know whether we are are going to spend a weekend together later this month. We've been talking on the phone, emailing, and conspiring. It's all very exciting. Just the contact is wonderful. She has been back in my life on daily basis. The scheme is to escape to a place we had planned to go together two years ago. I guess "plan" is a generous word. I begged, she relented and said yes, then I chickened out. There were just too many lies to tell back then for me to do it. I was closer to my wife and had to hoodwink everyone at work. My fantasy getaway collided with the reality of my life and I opted out.

This time it's different. I really want to be with her, but it is bittersweet. On the one hand I'm excited to see her and maybe get played with. On the other hand, the ease with which I'm eagerly arranging each successive flight or hotel reservation, is a measure of how much less close I am to my wife. I'm going to be in the vicinity of my hoped for rendez-vous with She-Who-Visits at a conference. My "cover story" for my wife is that after the conference I'll be meeting with people about some new business, while in reality I'm pining to get up to all manner of "old business" with the lovely She.

Three years ago, my wife would have excitedly suggested we go to the conference together and make a long weekend of it. In fact, as the date gets closer I worry that she'll want to come along. But I think it's just phantom limb pain. For so long I've wanted more freedom. Now I've got it but it comes with a price tag - the passing of intimacy.

On the other hand, while I reel from a heady mix of excitement and loss, the oh-so-dommy She has mysteriously left the radar screen. Almost three days ago she had me put a hold on a flight for her while she checked two things overnight to pave the way for our trip. Easy things. I haven't heard from her in 72 hours. Honestly, as I write this I'm not truly certain that she can even meet me. I'm one of those people who makes a plan and then does it. She ponders the plan, tweaks it, gets it for cheaper, rearranges flights, agonizes over the whens, hows and whethers -and then calls me high maintenance!

I renewed the airline hold for a couple of days even though I haven't heard from her, but yesterday I let it expire. There's a limit to my taste for the unrequited. Still, I long for her to call soon and chastise me for not keeping all the plates spinning on their sticks while balanced on my nose. We shall see.

So while my brave new world feels a bit off kilter this morning I think I just need to open my arms a little wider, embrace it, and sway...bend in its breeze. Because whatever happens and whoever she may be ...
I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins.
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now.


Subdued said...

I have to say, I enjoy your blog because things are so complicated with you. You can be assured that the emotional distress you are experiencing (and overcoming) at least makes for good reading.

I only know about you what you write on the blog or on the boards, but in some ways I think I share some of your experience and in other ways I completely do not. For example, the type of stealth operation you are planning right now would turn me into a basket case. While I can compartmentalize visits to pro-dommes, I have never been one who has able to fool around romantically or personally. In fact, lunch with a friend who I'm attracted to (and who I sense is attracted back) will make me nervous and guilty-feeling in a way that a visit to a dominatrix will not. I think a big difference between us is that I'm not interested in that blend of the personal/romantic with domination. Who knows, maybe if I fell into that situation I would feel differently, but I never have.

I completely understand your bittersweet feelings and know that if I were in your position I'd feel the same. There have been times when I have wanted more space from my SO but then have felt lousy after experiencing the concomitant feeling of being distanced from.

Aarkey said...

Interesting timing on this. FWIW, I'm like you. I like to plan. I like to know. It makes me feel more comfortable.

And while I'm not sure on some aspects of your dynamic with She, I do know that I loathe the silent treatment. I consider it cowardly. So if someone were to MIA on plans like that and not get in touch with me, there had better be a damned good explanation. I hope everything turns out well in the end. It definitely has to an uncomfortable spot for now. :-/

advochasty said...

Subdued -

Simple? That's just way too simple. ;-)

I think you're right about our points of convergence and points of partition. I suppose I've been following a relationship that just happened on a winding road to a point of truth about me that has been both liberating and, at least for now, kind of painful.

I know in my heart that my romantic feelings for women are submissive feelings. I've opened my deep, dark, secret life to friends both virtual and in realtime and weirdly, alot of my compulsive drive to session has, for now, melted away.

On the other hand I'm irresistably drawn to some kind of bdsm romance. I just have no clue what that looks like.

I'm heartened you find this all good reading. Despite the all the difficulties and tricky situations, I find it all makes for good living. Thanks for dropping by!! Always good to hear from you.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Interesting timing on your comment. I guess for the first time since I've met her, I'm not sure on certain aspects of my relationship with She either. Three months ago, I'd never have said that.

Silence leaves such a vacuum. Into its breach run all my insecurities, fears, questions and petty, pouty angers. I can easily handle no. Or even a short text telling me the details are being worked out. But silence sucks.

She's my dear, dear friend and is going through her own stuff right now. I hope it all works out for the best and we hook up and have a great time. But if we don't, I just try to remind myself that this is all part of a larger, more powerfully personal process I'm going through.

While it's not all easy - I think it's all good. Thanks for dropping by dude. I missed ya!!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Wow! I could really relate to what you said about all the subterfuge and planning that goes on behind the scenes for something like your weekend getaway with She! I am, like you, a planner and I can really get into all the little plots and plans that go along with arranging a much anticipated play date. Also like yourself, the romance behind it is a big part of what it is all about for me. In fact I had my own recent drama which I just finished chronicling.

I can so relate to the bitter-sweet feeling you speak of when you describe losing the intimacy with your wife while gaining your freedom. Not that it has happened to me exactly that way. But back in the day when I was making all sorts of plots and plans to go and see Mistress A. the intimacy in my marriage suffered enormously! Everything in life is a trade off it seems. Nobody gets the whole enchilada.

I wish you the best of luck with She. I really hope She comes through for you. That weekend getaway sounds like it would be such a wonderful experience! We all need to let loose and experience total bliss every once in a while! ;-)

advochasty said...


I think the bittersweetness of an emotional ebb tide is a pretty universal feeling. My difference is that irrespective of whether I see She or not I have an irresolvable difference with my wife.

I'm not getting "the cure". Not in this lifetime.

What to do?

I'm thinking that with both women maybe I'm trying to fit round kink pegs into ... ahhh I'm not going there. ;-)

While no fit may be perfect, some bonds are more sustainable than others. It's just finding them that's the trick.

You must on a natural high for weeks baby. Great story on your blog!

Aarkey said...

Any updates Advo? I'm curious how things have been evolving.



advochasty said...

Aarkey -

Do I have updates!! I'll either email you or you'll see it in print here. I'm jammed for the next couple of days.

Thanks for asking though. Means alot!

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Updates? Cool! I want updates too! ;-)

Odd that my word verification should be "ressynt" or perhaps not since you have more "ressynt" information! :-P