Friday, July 31, 2009

Alluring Mystery or The Beautifully Flawed?

Mistress Wynter wrote this week about how she thought revealing too much in a blog post ruined mystery and undercut her dominant power in session. I guess that's right for a prodomme who depends upon her ability to create a beautiful choreograph of kink to sweep a client off into, what my friend HMP likes to refer to as, "subbie-Shagri La". Guys want to escape reality in the dungeon. Certainly there was a time I wanted to go AWOL from my life and off into sub-space orbit. These days I seek the here and now. I long for the beautifully flawed and initimately annoying.

She also wrote that certain revelations fell under the catagory of too much information. Whining ruins the allure of glamourous, inscrutable magnetism. She said she liked reading sub-guy blogs for insight into our souls. I liked reading that. I'm all about soulful retching. But core insights require revelation. Sometimes I fear I may reveal too much in my writing, but really I think what is important is trying to be courageous enough to be real and even emotionally raw, without giving some crazy lurker my name and address. A week ago I had a drink with a new sub-guy friend and out of the blue he asked, "What do you do for a living?" I thought to myself, isn't it obvious? Do ya read my blog?? Even from my pseudonym I give clues to the real and the kinky?

Wynter went on to say;

Mistress Wynter cannot be flawed, annoying, overly verbose or in any other way an unattractive human being. She cannot be insecure or facing real life issues. Sadism is to be enjoyed, but other flaws must be hidden.

That just seemed like an awful lot of pressure. Probably necessary for the marketplace, but stressful nevertheless. Her post has me reflecting that I truly seek the real connection of the so-called lifestyle relationship. I am drawn to the flawed, verbose, annoying and real. Well, okay, up to a point. As long as it comes with the occassional Louboutin pump licking.

I'm apartment hunting. My wife and I are separating and selling our coop and our country home. I want to keep enough money to buy a deal-of-a-lifetime condo in Miami. Thar's crime in them thar hills and I can be closer to my lovely friend She. I'm not leaving town, just trying to get a foot hold in the Miami market for business and pleasure. Two for the price of one is attractive in these recessionary times. To be closer to my dear friend, in all her flawed, imperfect glory would be heaven - or if it's Monday and she's in a shitty mood - hell. Hey, maybe Wynter has something after all. This reality show I'm building is way hard.

I alternate between giddy excitement at new beginnings and the terrible gut wrenching pain of loss. But my wife and I need space. Who knows where this highway leads? But for now, my excitement that it may lead to I-95 in my 1983 gold RX-7 and a one bedroom in Brickell or the Beach buoys me enough to offset some of the heartbreak. Alone, in the throes of insomnia at 2 o'clock in the morning I know I've tried my best to make this work. It just isn't working.

My shrink told me a sweet story of a transgendered acquaintance who had asked her to speak at an event her organization was having. "Staci" had been married to Emma for fifteen years, separated for ten, and remarried for another eleven. Just before the event was to begin "Staci", who is 70 years old, asked Emma if her necklace looked okay. Emma critically told her that she had warned her it just did't go with the dress. Staci re-accessorized.

Maybe one day, my wife will critically tell me she can't understand why the munch has to meet in a diner when there are plenty of reasonably priced restaurants with tablecloths around town.

Hey, a guy can dream can't he?


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Advo:

Like you I long to get to know my Mistress and have a real connection with her. I would much rather know her as a person (warts and all) and have the occasional session (with lots of spontaneous worship in between) than have a faux relationship where my Mistress was hidden from me and was just putting on a show during my occasional visits to the dungeon.

I tried wearing the uncommitted client hat and it didn't work for me. I am very affectionate and devotional. I like to keep it real. Even with my pro I tried to get to know her and I cared for her sincerely as a person. She was somewhat forthcoming but I discovered later there was a whole lot going on under the surface I didn't have any idea about!!! LOL!!!

I really like Mistress Wynter's blog and I hope she feels comfortable in revealing more of herself over time. A blog should allow a person to express themselves. It's tough for a professional dominant because she has a public image to maintain. Still I hope she can find a balance that works for her. I like her very much as a person and always have. Some of the things she has said over the years have really stuck with me.

I wish you luck with this big new change in your life my friend. What you have with She is wonderful and very much worth pursuing IMHO. Distance can really kill a relationship so it makes sense for you to be closer to her. As for your wife that may resolve itself in time as well. Probably not in a romantic sense. But perhaps you two can work out a friendship.

It's sad when people fall by the wayside during life's long journey. But it happens sometimes. What is most important is that you don't lose yourself along the way. I really believe we should try and be who were are honestly and openly to the best of our ability! :-)

Wow! My word verification is "Plato"! How very philosophical! That totally rocks!! ;-)

Aarkey said...

Interesting timing. I just shared something more personal than usual on my blog - and I'm curious how my love will feel about it. Either way, I had to spill it - it was just inside of me.

But then again, I don't have to market myself.

And I definitely understand what Wynter is talking about. It's the hard reality of that business. Sure, there are guys like you and I and HMP and I think Voland, and I'm sure others... but what market % do we make up? I think we're closer to 10% or even 5% than we are to 50%

And professional isn't lifestyle. And while we all have life ups and downs, when I'm paying hundreds an hour, I want - and expect, the fantasy to make the rate. That's why I'm there.

A few months ago a friend of mine said "No one is perfect" and I replied "Everyone is perfect."

We're all perfectly human. Flawed, human... beautiful.

And Wynter is more beautiful than most. Those who know her know that well.

ledlipro??? Sounds like a medication to make wearing a metal chastity belt more agreeable ;)

Aarkey said...

Oh... and before I get remiss about your personal notes, I know that is something you've worked long and hard on. Sometimes we need to let go and move to the next chapter of our lives.

And Florida is definitely ready for another RX-7 on the road... though I'm not so sure about the gold color ;)

Volond said...


I am not sure what I can comment on Mistress Wynter. Not that I would know anything about it, but I am sure that being a ProDomme is a bitch of a job (on pun or joke intended). Clients do expect the Domme to be perfect... a Superwoman of sorts. That can't be easy.

I'm so happy to hear your news!
Here's to your new life in Miami! Perhaps we should get together for that drink before you skip down south?


Ms. Tara Sterling said...

My ideal for loving relationships is to allow them space to grow and change. I hope your dream comes true, and that you are able to move forward and create a new wonderful connection with your wife whatever shape it may take.

advochasty said...


I think really knowing a domme as a friend and then having a session might be great. Perhaps it's my relative inexperience with the "lifestyle" side of the equation that makes me over think the pro side these days.

The market that prodommes operate in is such a tough one. The difference between us blogging and them blogging is stark. We can blah blah blah anything we want to go on about and they really have to watch it.

The changes in my life will be like a crazy roller coaster of elation and fear. Strap me in and let 'er rip. Thanks, as always, for dropping by!!

Aarkey -

I always get alot out of your take on the pro scene. I'm still getting my bearings in whatever aspects of lifestyle bdsm I managed. I tend to double and triple think the prodomme thing.

Kinky adult Disneyland, skillfully presented and gratefully purchased is a good way to view it all. In that context, Wynter is certainly right that too much information can spoil the ride.

Hey ...

This could be my car - minus the fancier tires and perfect hubs. It's a creampuff. Only 38K miles. Whaddaya want fer a color anyway, something is a nice robin's egg blue??

Voland -

I'm not moving to Miami. A number of people have commented that I'm leaving. I just want to buy a condo there for a song, get some business, and be closer to She went they move back to the US.

I'm around. I'm a New Yorker ... Miami, as Aarkey said at lunch, is the sixth borough. Especially nice in mid-February.

Let's get that drink though, as long as mine is a Shirley Temple! ;-)

Tara -

That is bar none, the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time!! Thank you for your very kind wishes in a troubled time.


Mistress Wynter said...

Thanks for your thoughts on my thoughts! And I'm glad you're not moving completely... How am I to try to set up coffee's and such and then not follow through if you aren't in NY?

On the pro-thing... well, sadly, a lot of subs insist that they really truly do want to 'know' their Mistress, but show up with a bad cold or a roller in your hair and watch that idea shoot straight to hell. The truth of the matter is, my real life may not at all be the life my subs need to imagine me having. And for the 5% that want to know me, the rest would find the allure shaken with total honesty. It is hard sometimes. Very hard. But it's worth the fine line to be able to express myself so thoroughly through my profession. In that, at least so far, I'm lucky.

Want to pretend to set up a coffee soon?

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Hi Mistress Wynter:

If you and Advo pretend to set up a coffee I will pretend to come up and have coffee with you! ;-)



advochasty said...

Wynter -

I guess it's true of alot of professions. Most clients need the pro-you, not the "real" you. It's just alot harder for dommes I think because in the end, no matter how you view it, IMO, (that's a buncha qualifiers, huh?) you deal with potent intimacies in the dungeon.

I'd love to pretend to set up coffee as long as you pretend promise to like me! Or at least pretend to like me! ;-)

Thanks for the comment. I'm honored you dropped by, really!!


If Wynter and I pretend to set up coffee and you pretend to come up and join us, can I pretend you're not there?

Dude, she asked me to pretend to have coffee. Sheesh, get yer own pretend coffee date.

Actually, I'm really just kidding. Pretend three way coffee sounds fun. No crossing Starbucks Stirrers though, okay?

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Ha ha ha! I don't know Advo. There seems to be a lot of pretense going on here! ;-)

No worries bro. Sharing stirrers is in on my list of hard limits! ;-)