Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Dance With Me Through This Rain

These days I call my wife every morning despite our separation. She's been diagnosed with ALS. I've talked about it a little in prior posts. She's dying an excruciatingly horrible death very slowly. She's terrified. This morning she was sobbing about the depth of her tragedy and then all of a sudden stopped. She blurted, "I probably shouldn't tell you this." Oh come on, I said, what?

She told me about the college senior daughter of friends of ours who had been an intern in my office three years ago. College Senior is a very smart, ambitious, lovely young woman who I had just the other week had lunch with and talked with about getting a job in the legal field so she could get practical experience before going to law school.

During her internship College Senior had become BFFs with a former employee of mine. Former Employee, a seemingly cool woman, and I had also become extraordinarily good friends. I told Former Employee almost all my secrets. Suffice it to say, Former Employee knew all about my kink.

Former Employee moved back home last year and College Senior interned with Former Employee's new office and lived with Former Employee last summer. "She was like my big sister", College Senior told me over lunch.

Anyway, enough backstory. Wife says this morning that Former Employee (let's just call her Asshole) apparently told College Senior about my bdsm proclivities. My wife knew this because College Senior was so freaked out that before meeting me for lunch to get my take on the job market, she had confided in an adult friend of ours, one of my wife's BFFs, and mother of one of College Senior's best friends, that College Senior was weirded out to be having lunch with a pervert.

Suffice it to say I was enraged at Asshole Former Employee and sent her a text to that effect. I probably shouldn't have. Asshole Former Employee denied telling College Senior I'm a perv and then blamed College Senior and I for creating drama in her already stressed out life.

Is that just breathtaking or what?

Asshole Former Employee tells 20 year old College Senior a secret and confidence I trusted Asshole Former Employee with, lies point blank about it, and then blames College Senior and I for complicating her life. I suppose I have one less so-called friend to worry about.

I often wonder what I might do if my blog was discovered by my wife. Or discovered by the New York Post. Or I somehow got publicly outted. I like to think I'd just own it and say it's something I love, am proud of and is private. I hope I'd say get a life and move on. But telling a 20 year old kid who didn't ask to be burdened with the private confidence and doesn't have the life experience to process it just seemed the height of deeply flawed judgement.

People who aren't us don't understand us. Liberal, consenting, sophisticated adults don't understand us. Why would you out a friend to a kid? I suppose it's a reminder that so much of the world views our thing as such a dirty little secret that we truly do have to be constantly vigilant about who we confide in.

"Cause we all have a darker side
A place we keep where no one else will find"


Sublivion2k said...


Wow. That really sucks. I'm just sorry for everyone involved in that story.

I'm always surprised at just how inconsiderate of others people can be, and in this case to what end? To share a bit of juicy gossip, some dirty little secret?

Carry on, my friend. It's just one less person in your life to lie to you. And your young friend? Well, if this was really that traumatic, hopefully she'll grow, learn, and start thinking for herself when she hears such talk in the future.


advochasty said...

Hey Jeffery -

I'm actually not sure it was so traumatic for College Senior. Asshole Former Employee is a unique charmer who everyone believes is their bestie until she leaves and moves on to the next.

I think College Senior was really hurt AFE was completely out of touch. Given who College Senior chose to reveal the "dirty little secret" to she must have known there was a decent chance it would get back to me and I'd go off on AFE? Or am I being way too cynical??

At any rate, AFE owes me a big time apology and an explanation as to why she'd totally deny a significant breach of trust.

Or maybe she should just have a good life...

Her Majesty's Plaything said...


That is really terrible! I am really sorry that happened to you. Outing someone is a truly disgusting thing to do. I have recently stopped posting on a certain BDSM board of long acquaintance partly because one of the posters there has taken revenge on someone in a similar manner. I shudder to think I almost had lunch with that asshole. Hideous enough when vanilla folk we trust do it. But when kinksters out each other out of petty spite it truly is the ultimate in slimy behavior.

Be proud bro. You have nothing to worry about. Hold your head high. Fuck em if they can't take a joke.

advochasty said...


I probably should have waited and let the situation just sink in and then see how I felt. Being calmer, the "outing" was probably drunken girl chat.

And the more I think about it, College Senior really did not need to go to my wife's friend and talk about this. She emailed me about lunch and career advice long before she even returned to NYC. I think College Senior, either intentionally or subliminally, wanted to get at Asshole Former Employee.

Or she just reverted to being a kid instead of a bright young woman. Both, I suppose, are understandable and forgivable.

But Asshole Former Employee can have a good life without me in it.

Kinksters outing other kinksters for petty spite is horrible.

Aarkey said...

Sorry to read that happened.

As to the why... some people just like to gossip. It could be about a million other things, but anything that's interesting - well they just have to tell someone.

It's one of the reasons I'm so private about myself with anyone who's not kink. Although I'm very out in the scene, it's just not worth the hassle.

Because even if it's just gossip to some, to others it's a horrible, sinful, even evil perversion.

And I don't mean that in a hot way ;)

Be well brother, and know in your heart that "former employee" is heading down a sad and lonely karmic path.

advochasty said...

Aarkey -

The whole thing has really made me think about who I've told who is not kink and about how many people they must have told already.

Like you say it's juicy gossip to some and an evil, unforgivable, horror to others. It's sad not to be able to trust friends.