Bend With The Breeze

She-Who-Visits is supposed to let me know whether we are are going to spend a weekend together later this month. We've been talking on the phone, emailing, and conspiring. It's all very exciting. Just the contact is wonderful. She has been back in my life on daily basis. The scheme is to escape to a place we had planned to go together two years ago. I guess "plan" is a generous word. I begged, she relented and said yes, then I chickened out. There were just too many lies to tell back then for me to do it. I was closer to my wife and had to hoodwink everyone at work. My fantasy getaway collided with the reality of my life and I opted out.

This time it's different. I really want to be with her, but it is bittersweet. On the one hand I'm excited to see her and maybe get played with. On the other hand, the ease with which I'm eagerly arranging each successive flight or hotel reservation, is a measure of how much less close I am to my wife. I'm going to be in the vicinity of my hoped for rendez-vous with She-Who-Visits at a conference. My "cover story" for my wife is that after the conference I'll be meeting with people about some new business, while in reality I'm pining to get up to all manner of "old business" with the lovely She.

Three years ago, my wife would have excitedly suggested we go to the conference together and make a long weekend of it. In fact, as the date gets closer I worry that she'll want to come along. But I think it's just phantom limb pain. For so long I've wanted more freedom. Now I've got it but it comes with a price tag - the passing of intimacy.

On the other hand, while I reel from a heady mix of excitement and loss, the oh-so-dommy She has mysteriously left the radar screen. Almost three days ago she had me put a hold on a flight for her while she checked two things overnight to pave the way for our trip. Easy things. I haven't heard from her in 72 hours. Honestly, as I write this I'm not truly certain that she can even meet me. I'm one of those people who makes a plan and then does it. She ponders the plan, tweaks it, gets it for cheaper, rearranges flights, agonizes over the whens, hows and whethers -and then calls me high maintenance!

I renewed the airline hold for a couple of days even though I haven't heard from her, but yesterday I let it expire. There's a limit to my taste for the unrequited. Still, I long for her to call soon and chastise me for not keeping all the plates spinning on their sticks while balanced on my nose. We shall see.

So while my brave new world feels a bit off kilter this morning I think I just need to open my arms a little wider, embrace it, and sway...bend in its breeze. Because whatever happens and whoever she may be ...

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins.
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now.