Thursday, October 15, 2009

Caveat Venditor

So the wife and I have the co-op on the market in the tough buyer terrain of recession ruptured New York City. My shrink had suggested a broker we worked with briefly last year before the crash and burn when we were flirting with a downsize. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Oh well, we live in challenging times.

This time around the broker came from the bride's side. I figure, let the wife control this decision and in the clinches, the broker is her's. I know for sure if the agent was mine I'd take heat. So about six weeks ago I met this woman and she seemed incredibly knowledgeable. An attractive, late 40's-ish woman who is billed as one of this agency's top producers - she is striking, sharp and completely relentless. I even felt a little tingle, but dismissed it immediately. At their most excellent, brokers are all about the deal. Since they're making money off any potential pact, they are, in their best incarnation, shepherds of the sale. At worst they are snakes in the grass who lie, cheat, and steal. I've worked with a few over the years, and have even represented a handful who faced time in the pokey. While Ms. B seemed honest, ethical, caring, and good - a cut above the rest - I just never trust a broker.

As well, Broker Lady knows we're separating because I confessed when my wife and I first met her. I thought it was important she know we are going to rent separate apartments and, with a little help from her, walk away with enough of a chunk-a-ca-ching to ease the pain of transition. Lots of dwelling agents deal in the muck of separation and divorce. Indeed, the prominence of real estate in the annals of Manhattan Splitsville is iconic. Ms. Broker Babe done been around this block before.

Anyway, without revealing too much detail, I made a bit of a risque comment in an email to Ms. Broker. We were talking about the origin of her email name and she said that instead of her current one she had considered insisting that her email name be "ASS" as she'd spent her life convincing people she wasn't one. However, upon reflection, she'd decided to go with the more upscale choice. I replied that although it was clearly the right pick, for some at least, there was a certain down and dirty charm to the road not taken. A bit suggestive perhaps but perfectly within tasteful bounds, no?

So today, without boring you with all the juicy market intrigue of useless, flaccid, soft offers and vainly trying to manipulate a bidding war, we were considering a price drop. At a hurried three way conference call my wife lost her highly vaunted temper and started cursing the absent interested buyers and berating our broker. She's such a top in the street and a bottom in the sheets, the wife. Later, when she and I spoke alone, my splenetic spouse proposed we essentially throw in the country home, like a flat screen TV, to sweeten the pot and motivate these attracted buyers. Since we've seen no interest in our country place despite a year on the market, the wife reasoned, it was a way to simply unload it in order to stimulate an ante. She was calling Ms. Sells Alot with the suggestion and that's all there was to it.

So Ms. Broker emails me and says the wife wants to dump the coop and throw the country home, the dogs and me into the deal to any single, straight woman who'd take the bait. I write to Ms. Broker and ask what she'd bid for me and was she looking for a chauffeur, a secretary, and a willing gofer as I was available. Then I called her to discuss the price drop and asked;

"So, don't you want to bid on me?"

She laughs a real, throaty, genuinely appreciative laugh.

"I can't afford you!"

"Come on! Sell our apartment and you could," I wheedle. "Besides, I look great in a chauffeur outfit."

"Well," she leers suggestively, "there are a few outfits I'd like to dress you up in."

"Whoa." I blurt.

"So now I'm talkin' your language, huh?", she smirked.

I was rendered dumbstruck and, tail momentarily between my legs, stammered back to our price drop chat.

So that was hot, huh? What do you think? Is she just a reptilian broker, not to be trusted and looking for any edge and angle? Or is she a hot, smart, attractive, age appropriate kinky girl? I think I'm gonna think up some more suggestive little come ons to test whether I have Mistress Broker on my hands. Hey, worst comes to worst, I sell my apartment and move into a one bedroom in the East Village.

Best case? She visits me there and we play a little dress up. Because baby, you know I'm a sharp dressed man.


Her Majesty's Plaything said...

"She's such a top in the street and a bottom in the sheets, the wife." This is true of soooo many women who appear to be genuinely dommy at first glance! :-(

"Is she just a reptilian broker, not to be trusted and looking for any edge and angle? Or is she a hot, smart, attractive, age appropriate kinky girl?" There is only one way to find out bro! To slightly change the lyrics to a well worn 80's rock anthem; "what's trust got to do with it?" Sounds promising! Good luck and keep us posted! ;-)

advochasty said...

I was thinking of suggesting a "playdate"...with a look at price/quality differentials in rental apartments. I'm sure with my active imagination I'll have plenty of oppurtunity to test the waters.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Active imagination? You? ;-)

Great tune btw. Love ZZTop!

word verification=bilybo Strangely fitting somehow....

advochasty said...

Thanks. I always wonder about the music.

Do people really listen? Do I often hopelessly brand myself as a desiccated boomer with my musical tastes?

On the rare occassion when I pick something "new and cool" am I scarily trying too hard??

These and other equally burning questions clutter the alleyways of my brain.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

LOL! Your mental alleyways sound scarily similar to mine! ;-)

"Do I often hopelessly brand myself as a desiccated boomer with my musical tastes?" Not at all! You educate the younger generation about what "good music" is really supposed to sound like! ;-)

"On the rare occassion when I pick something "new and cool" am I scarily trying too hard??" Absolutely not! You prove yourself to be eternally hip and young at heart! A prize for some adorable, dommy twenty something who is looking for a kinky, subbie, daddy to take home and chain to the foot of her bed! ;-)

Self deception is highly under rated don't you think? :-p

Aarkey said...

You sure you want to know what I think about your broker? Because w/o going too far about your exchanges with her - I have always tried to take the "don't shit where you eat" expression to the Nth degree.

Either way, good luck with the sale, and a bit of flirting doesn't hurt anyone. I implore you to be cautious though, there are many subs who let their desire to submit cloud their thinking.

And on the scale of what you are dealing with, I would highly recommend putting first things first. You just have too much to lose.

Whizzer said...


What Aarkey said! One double or triple it.

Family law is not my gig, but you're treading in dangerous waters, my friend. Just let the wife find out that you're playing footsy with Mistress I'll Do Anything To Generate A Sale and your plan to put the pressure on the Mrs to finish this part of your relationship goes down the drain. Just imagine having the wife tell the divorce Judge about how you compromised the independence of Domme Super Agent and your credibility is shot. Then comes the demand for more alimony and a bigger share of the asset pie because you caused the value of the marital assets to be compromised. The Judge says you're a sick fuck (we already know that, but we still love ya)and he finds a way to penalize you financially without creating reversebile error!

Stay away. Stay far away. Until things are finalized and a sufficient cooling off period has elapsed. Then go for it and enjoy!

Here's thinking of you kid!!


advochasty said...


I think asking you is like looking in the mirror. But I'm with you brother. The future's so bright I'm wearin' rose tinted shades.

Aarkey and Whizzer -

Thanks guys!! I needed that! I think sometimes I prize the one kink life lived out in the open to a fault. Seeing your advice in print is truly sobering.

Stopping now ... way not worth fucking this up.

You guys are the best!!!

It's Day 47...I'm a KINS. (Kinkster In Need of Supervision)

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

Indeed asking me is very much like looking in a mirror comrade! The advice Aarkey and Whizzer gave you was spot on! Mine was impulsive and hopelessly immature. I would follow their counsel not mine in this particular situation for sure! ;-)

advochasty said...

I know who to talk to when I want to stay out of trouble.

Then again, you and I could have some big fun getting ourselves into no end of hot water, of that I am sure.

Volond said...

That was great! I definitely think you're onto something with Ms. Broker - she may be a snake, but she certainly seems to be a player!

Can't wait for part 2!

advochasty said...


Great as it was the firm of Aarkey, Whizzer, & Associates has sufficiently bitch slapped me into hard cold reality that Part II will be after the closing ... which will be at least a few months off.

In the meantime I'll just have to come up with a little somethin' somethin' else to write about.

Aarkey said...

Yah, sorry for being a buzz kill on the fun, but hey... sell the place and then go and see if she really is the cat and the meow! :D


WTF does that mean?

advochasty said...

Bahh! Humsga!!

You are a bloody buzz kill!!

Ah well, no sense in trying to pull on the cat's tail to see if it'll meow before I'm ready to get all scratched up!!

Funny how I just stopped dead when it was for real. I'm used to the chase with suggestively safe flirt lines delivered to vanilla street top/sheets bottom girls. When it was real, I blushed.

Though I imagine there's a domme or two out there who might find blushing attractive...

Such good things to look forward to after closing ...

Meanwhile they're killin' us with low ball offers ... Oy..

"nomon" As in, "No, Mon! For now, no footsie with Mistress Sells Alot.

Her Majesty's Plaything said...

@Advo and Aarkey:

I like you guys cuz you make me laugh! :)

Ms. Tara Sterling said...

Whatever you do, wait until all business is over to take the bait!

Hot story though, I certainly can think of a few fun endings :)

advochasty said...

Hey Tara!

What about standing as close to the fire as I can get without touching?

Like when she says she's doing a Halloween lunch for brokers to get them to bring their clients to look at the place and I ask if there will be costumes???

She totally ignored me. I'm just being professional and friendly. I really like her though.

But my mind is working overtime on possible endings too!! I'm milking this one for all it's worth. It's even more fun that it is Day 51. Sooo deliciously frustrating!! :-P