Saturday, August 16, 2008

Scenes from a Vanilla Marriage

Why, you may rightfully ask, am I talkin' about my marriage on a kink blog? I don't play in my marriage. I don't even have sex. No kinda sex. Not even an itty bitty handjob ...

But it strikes me that alot of clients of prodommes have got to be at least a little like me. Married, love their wives but play with prodommes. I suppose some are completely cool with that dichotomy and integrate it seamlessly into their lives.


Maybe others have an "understanding". Bdsm playtime ... it's not really sex. No kissing, caressing, canoodling, making out - and no intercourse. So, okay honey, go see your little leather wearing friend who whips you once a month as long as our sex thing is cool.

My situation is a bit different, but I'm sure far from uncommon. For years I just slunk out when the urge to session hit. I was a sneaky, world class, secret agent of kink. So what if I felt guilty and ashamed. For many years I was completely isolated. I kept the secret all by myself. While I rationalized my need, the feelings of deep ignominy were sometimes overpowering. But gradually I became a bit more comfortable. For a time I saw a truly great domme who was just this sweet, nice, normal seeming person after our hot, nasty, dirty-sexy sessions.

Then I got caught ... oops. I took a long break which included two years of couple therapy with my wife. I've never completely confessed to my kinkified shenanegans and don't intend to, since it would just cause too much pain. But since I've been back exploring my kink again I feel pretty completely unashamed and am pretty guiltless. I realize that it's not really possible for me to be completely "out", but I'm working hard at some measure of integration and less compartmentalization.

I talk with my wife about the possibility of us finding sexual satisfaction outside our relationship but remaining married. There's just too much baggage - veritable steamer trunks full - to expect any meaningful sexual connection between us at this stage. I'm trying hard to be nice and supportive and physically affectionate with her and while it ain't happening over night, it seems to be working.

How I'd react to her having a lover is altogether unclear. I do have cuckolding fantasies and what's good for this goose has to be okay for the gander. We shall see.

Some of my buddies on Max suggested service. Bring her this, do that, rub her feet, carry her bags. She can't stop the fantasy that's playing in your head, advo. Try it, you'll like it.

But I do all that. There's a big difference between even a little spark of dominant mischief in your partner and none at all. There is no spark in this process and I can't manipulate it - she's got to want to offer it and it just isn't there.

Maybe, because I honestly want to meet kinky people and make kinky friends, I can negotiate for event attendance rights. That way, I could go to a Cat O' Nine party, a TES meeting or a munch without fear of being "caught". That way I could have more kinky friends, integrate the process into my marriage and feel less like a lurky, covert, creeper up to all manner of masochistic tomfoolery.

Then, really swinging for the fences, my wife and I could have a more sexually open relationship and I could meet a dominant woman who understood all this, really liked me and wanted to play, all hot and nasty, with little old me. A guy can dream, can't he?

Then again, I'll truly miss all that sneaking around. No more swingin' on the Riviera one day and layin' in a Bombay alley next day ...


O.K. said...

I am sure its a common problem for people like "us" - you know, the MaxFisch crowd.

I don't think there is a solution to this problem. Most women would never accept their husbands going to see their "little leather wearing friend who whips ..." (at least I am pretty sure my wife wouldn't).

Much like you, I also do "service" at home - earn the $$, pay the bills, cook (OK, some of the time), rub her feet (OK, again, probably not often enough)... but still. So, I keep asking myself: "why is it so unreasonable for me to expect her to be more dominant - give me a little heel tapping, a little "hand on hip"? We'll all be so happy... I just don't see her being into it - it just seems like she'd see it as some fucked up thing that I really shouldn't need.

So, as much as I'd love to integrate the play with the home life, I've come to terms with the reality of life.

Good luck to you, though.

slave2Catwoman said...

Let me preface by saying I am not accusing or condemning or puttin you guys down.

But I have to ask. Why do guys marry women who they're not compatible with? I would think that one would have to know that he is going to eventually cheat if he marries a woman who does not share, or even approve of his sexual desires and needs.

O.K. said...

I am only speaking for myself, obviously.
Its not always so clear cut - you don't always know you're not compatible, sometimes you think you've "kicked the whole kink thing" only to realize later that you didn't... but then you have "baggage" and people who depend on you, so you can't even make a clear cut.

And I seriously doubt that many people think about cheating (in whatever form you define it to be) when they're getting married.

slave2Catwoman said...

I guess I was lucky. I realized very early that one's kinks are not something that can be cured. We don't choose them. They choose us.

We all know about the accuracy of hindsight, but I would think that if a couple are not on the same page sexually, there will be cheating down the road. Our sex drives and appetites are very strong.

advochasty said...

O.K. - I suppose I really came to terms with no kink in my home life too. I'm revisting a bit. I suppose I'm not investing too much expectation or hope in the effort. I am serious about negotiating for some "meet and greet" time though. That's more about friendship with other kinky people.

S2CW - Ya know, a twenty year marriage is a long and winding road. I actually was pretty completely upfront about my kink when we were dating. We even played some in the early years. But things done changed.

I can't remember which Joan Didion short stories collection it was but she had this image of entering a revolving door, spinning a few times and coming out the other end twenty years later, wondering how you got there. I feel that way sometimes. :)

Aarkey said...

I said most of my two cents on this @ the hang, but I wanted to add in that people do change.

People who aren't interested in kink can become interested in it. And people who are, can become disinterested. I know in my marriage the latter happened. My ex was very into all of it for the first four years of our relationship. But it waned.

Over the last 3 and a half years of our relationship our sex life became something that we both grew increasingly more frustrated and resentful about. And though good sex is only a small part of a good marriage, bad sex is often a big part of a bad one.

I learned a great deal from that experience, and I entered it with "eyes wide open" - but that didn't mean it would work out. Heck, even though I met my current fiancee at a fetish party - we still have plenty of trials and tribulations to work through. Both vanilla & kinky.

It's a relationship. As far as I've seen, they all take work.

advochasty said...

Yah, sometimes I feel like Maynard G. Krebs, shuddering involuntarily at the word. ;-) But work it is and work it always shall be!!

Funny though, wherever this takes me I feel oddly optimistic as I was sayin' in my later posts on the Hang thread.

Thanks for the thoughts!!